no one owes you anything.

Ok. so, after a week or so of stress, i have decided to write this blog. Why today? because something happened last night that was the final straw...which sparked the question: Why do old people think the world owes them something? This is a serious question. Is it because they have reached a certain age and think that since they have put in their time in the world, they can just expect people to kiss their ass? Seriously, what is it? is there a magical age that makes you allowed to just be a pretentious whiny bitch? Please, someone answer me.

how do i come to this question? One day last week, i served a table. this table consisted of 2 people in their 60s or so and an older woman who looked to be in her 80s. When i got to the table, the 2 people were too busy on their cell phones to give a coherent or even respectful order. When the man was on the phone, he asked for "2 orders of the vegetable spring rolls". He then contined with his phone conversation and his wife ordered the rest of the meal. She asked for her food, and when it came to his food, she ordered for him, since he was still too busy being a disrespectful asshole to even order his own food. She ordered a filet mignon for him, well done, and "no juice". Punched the orders in, and ready to go. Upon bringing their spring rolls, they took one look and said "umm, these are not vegetarian"...they asked what the ingredients were, and when i told them there was shrimp in one of the rolls, they lost their shit and said "we specifically ordered VEGETARIAN spring rolls". now, being their server, i had to do what i needed to do in order to stay calm and professional...but in my head i was thinking the following:

"No, you self centered arrogant disrespectful fuck, you did NOT specify vegitarian, you just asked for 2 orders of spring rolls. The menu CLEARLY FUCKING STATES there is shrimp in one of them, so how the FUCK was i supposed to read your mind? Maybe if you could have stopped yapping into your fucking cell phone for 10 fucking seconds, you could have clarified. But no. now i look like a fucking idiot. "

ok. breathe. Order is fixed, getting ready for the main course. now at this point, everyone in the place had ordered the filet mignon, so it's taking forever for their meal to come up. Finally, after several check ins with them, their food comes up, and  is brought to their table. I wait a few minutes and then go and check on them. Well needless to say they are not pleased. Apparently now i am the chef as well as a server, and they needed to blame me for his well done filet not being well done enough. And then his wife decides to make me feel like an idiot and say "I asked specifically for no sauce, but there is sauce here. it's fine, we'll eat it, but we asked for none. "

again, i had to stay calm, but my teeth were clenched and i wanted to scream "NO, you did NOT ask for no sauce, you said no JUICE. Sauce and juice are different. If you tell someone you want a filet made well done with no juice, it tells someone that you want it burnt to shit, with no drippings. How the FUCK am i supposed to know you mean sauce if you say juice? Am i a fucking mind reader? How about you fucking TELL me what you mean instead of just expecting me to wipe your ass?"

it's at this point that it finally clicks to me that after the whole ordeal with the spring rolls, these people aren't even vegetarians! So what the FUCK was with the issue? What, you can't eat non veggie friendly spring rolls, but you can choke down a whole giant slab of cow? How the fuck does that make sense? These people were pretentious, arrogant, disrespectful and downright rude, and after they paid, i was thankful they were gone, and i could start fresh. but no. that wasn't the case.

my next shift, i get pulled aside and talked to. Apparently these people decided to write a letter to the restaurant, making a formal complaint about the service, and about me. I was talked to by my manager, and the owner, and told i need to study my menu, and if i can't learn it, i will be taken off shifts until i know it....now wait a second, how did these people not being specific manage to translate into me not knowing the menu? What the fuck?

and then i realize that these people need to fucking die. and to be honest, i hope they do. I hope they die soon. Why? because i am beyond pissed. i NEED this job. i NEED the money. I NEED to do well. was your meal THAT bad that you HAD to write a letter? Did the food hurt you? are you not going to be able to pay your bills because you got sauce under your filet? Are credit companies going to bust down your door because there was shrimp in your spring roll? No. Was the service shit? sure. I will take the blame. I will let you walk all over me. I will have the owners thinking i am useless. But you write that letter and effect MY life much more than that meal affected yours. you had ONE bad meal. I now have to walk into wok every day and feel like there is a target on my back. Because of YOUR letter. Because YOU needed to feel superior, and because YOU felt the world owed you something.

guess what you fucking insignificant cunts? the world doesn't owe you something, and I most certainly don't owe you SHIT. Maybe if you treated the people around you with some fucking respect, things would change for you. You are nobodies, and deserve to be shit on. I hope you are happy you pieces of fucking shit.

on a note about last night's event: Mick. Yes. you are a regular. Yes you come in and have 2 beers and MAYBE some food. Your beers are discounted, and you always keep your beer in a fucking stupid asshole beer cozy, you bring from home. You sit there and expect me to fucking kiss your ass while you leave me no more than a $1.25 tip every single time. I cater to you every time, and last night while you were sitting there nursing your beer as usual, i was talking to 2 other customers who were, imagine this, SPENDING MONEY. You asked for a menu, and as you do every single day, you stared at it. Every single time, you hold on to it for 25 minutes and keep saying you don't want food yet. So i figured this time was no different. Your beer cozy hides the bottom half of your beer so i can't see when you want another one. So fucking EXCUSE ME if i was too busy serving customers who were spending more than $7, in order to wipe your old fucking ass. You bitched that you didn't want food anymore because i didn't get to you in time. Is your fucking voice broken? could you not just say you are ready to order? why the FUCK should i have to fucking suck your dick? So then my boss gets pissed at me....so i buy you your second beer, and take it off your tab. Did i HAVE to do that?  no. but i did it anyways.

the question is asshole, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? first of all you look like a giant douchebag bringing your own beer cozy to the bar. Second of all, why the FUCK would i cater to you, knowing you never spend more than $7, when i could be spending time on other customers? Are you some sort of VIP i didn't know about? is there a reason you think the world should owe you something? What the FUCK do i owe you? Nothing. You leave me SHIT for tips and you're SHIT conversation, and you have a stupid fucking SHIT hat. So FUCK you.

FUCK YOU.

on the breeze.

It's a perfect night. Just warm enough for no socks...just cold enough for the wind to carry the last whispering nothings of winter in short fleeting breezes. It's nights like this that remind me of certain times in  my life; times i enjoy remembering.

on the breeze rides solitude, comfort in my own mind. wandering thoughts and meditation, tied into one pondering moment. A thunderstorm would make this night more perfect. The rain brings in memories i want to remember tonight. The rain brings peace.

meditation

my blog here has been sparse. I rarely write in it anymore, but sometimes i feel the need to. Today is just one of those days. I feel as if suddenly my life has become completely different. I am all of a sudden thrown into this mess of chaos and emotional wreckage, where at one time, things were fine. It's all come on so fast, and it's caused me to take a step back and really take a look at things, but more importantly, a look at myself.

I took up meditation again a few months ago, and besides making a huge positive impact on my anxiety, it also caused me to bring to light things about myself...things that i maybe have always known, but never admitted.

I'm not always a good person. I have hurt people, specifically women. Not physically of course, but emotionally...and while they will recover and move on, just knowing that i hurt them leaves scars on my soul that will never fade, never heal...they will always be there as a constant reminder that i was, and can be a complete asshole. I hate it. For decades now i have run an emotional gauntlet; i will like or even love someone, things will get heated and then one day, i will wake up and my feelings have changed. It could be within a week. It could be within a few months, or even years down the road. I fucking hate it. I feel hated and despised by many people, and whether it's true or not, none of them can ever match my hate for myself in this regard.

There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about at least one person i hurt. one person i loved then left. it tears me apart. i try to be the best person i can be on a daily basis, but i will never live down what i've done. Maybe people will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish the things i felt towards someone made complete sense to me at the time...maybe i wouldn't have left such a path of destruction in my wake.

i envy people that know how to be truly deeply happy.

Hello 54

It's 54 degrees outside today, and I haven't felt this good in a very VERY long time. The air smells like spring, the wind is just cool enough to need a jacket or a sweater, and i can roll my window down and not freeze. Yes, it's a good day. I put The Arkells on the stereo today, and just drove. Feels so good.

As i was driving today, i noticed i could see the grass for the first time in months...and as i made this discovery, I watched a yellow and black empty salt bag glide across the street, dancing in the wind on its way to wherever it will lay to rest. I felt that it was a symbol...its weight of salt has been exhausted and it no longer has use, as the snow rapidly recedes from the streets and lawns. It's as if it was saying goodbye, waving to us until next year.

I know i am being optimistic. I know winter isn't over, and i know we will get hit with another storm before we can say hello to spring, but it's so worth it to soak this up while it's here.

So i sit here, sipping on my Chai Latte, and slowly feeling the stress peel away, layer by layer. My friend sean gave me a spare iPod which has been my life saver. Nothing, in my opinion, makes a day better than the perfect mix of weather, music, and a solid fragrance. When the weather hits you just right, and you have the just right music to go with it, it's a feeling i can't describe. It's a good day today.

I also finally have my computer back, and fixed better than ever! This is also a huge mood booster. I no longer feel lost. It sounds stupid but having my computer with me is a huge part of my life.

just can't wait to hit the open road today, and get up on stage. It's been too long.

and there's no way of knowing, no way to know know how long it will last...

Walking to class today, I couldn't help but feel that things were lifting; getting better. The cold streak broke and for the first time in recent memory we weren't battling negative temperatures. The air smelled of spring,  which translated to my mood, and lifted everything. It was still cold, but it was a different kind of cold. A cold that made me feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel. Like everything was lifting, and there was an end in sight for this rut i've been wading in. That feeling was indescribably amazing.

I've been going through a lot lately. I have a mountain of personal family issues I am sifting through, on top of mountains of debt and financial stress. I've lost weight partially from working out, but partially from just not being able to eat do to stress and worry. When i am alone, i lock myself in my room, and retreat to the silence of the night, and the escaping sounds of scratches and dust on an old ella record. I stay up later than i need to just so i can be sure i fall asleep, and i sleep in later than i want to, because somewhere deep down inside me, it hurts to face the day.

My school work has suffered, as has my own personal energy. I have not been me. I have a pile of laundry that just keeps getting taller, like a monument reminding me of what i need to be doing, but just can't. I've grown a beard because i can't be bothered to shave it off. I have not been me in a very long time. Any smile i show is a mask. It's easier to smile than to explain to people why i am not in a good mood like i always am, and watch as their eyes glaze over and they reply with  the standard response because they simply don't give a shit. So a smile it is, and i continue along my day.

But today, that all changed. I felt hope. I felt optimistic. For the first time in a very long time, i felt lighter. I felt like the old me. There was bounce in my step, and confidence in my walk. I was beginning to be me again. That lasted all of a moment, until the old me was shoved back into its hiding place to hibernate a little while longer. I suppose i should have seen it coming. After all, it has been quite some time since i have felt this familiar sting in my gut; the sting of the inevitable; the sting of shit talk.

it seems so long ago, when i first felt this sting, back when i was 15 and people decided that my business, my life, my relationships, my sexual activities, and my reputation was ultimately their business. I am not sure when this memo was sent out, or why i was not notified, but all i know is that it's been non stop for almost 13 years now. Apparently my life is public domain and is freely spoken about amongst any number of anonymous speakers. I say anonymous, because to this day, I am aware of only a minute sample of these people, because everyone prefers to hide behind anonymity rather than face the one they are so adamant about bashing.

I suppose i have myself to blame though. After all, I have made mistakes in my past. I have hurt people, i have done underhanded things, and i have used people for my benefit. I am not the first, nor will i be the last man to ever do this, but for some reason, no matter how much time has passed, this is what people see. They don't see the side of me i want them to. They don't see the genuine caring person. They prefer to see the person that committed those wrongs so many years ago. So i guess it's my fault for being human. I have built quite a strong defense to this for the most part. But today, those defenses were breached, and I am crushed.

So i sit here. Surrounded by the faces i have seen 5 days a week for 3 years, attempting to drown out their voices with 1940s big band music....attempting to raise my spirit, but at this point my spirit is beyond saving. I'm bruised, broken and bleeding from the inside out. Being strong is something i am proud of, but i can't be strong all the time. Today i give in, and let it win. I can't fight it anymore, i'm so tired. I have worked so hard to become someone that I, and others can be proud of, and look up to...but i can't be that person when my past is painted on my chest. You win. Do you hear me? You win.

The hooded, masked, shadowy ghostly figures who have no names, no faces, just voices have won. You've broken an already broken man. One day i can only hope you yourselves can stop living in the past and move on with your own lives, instead of focusing on mine. You've highlighted my mistakes in stunning fashion, and i will not soon forget them, as much as i would like to. Thank you for that. I feel like a puppy who is having his nose rubbed into his urine on the carpet, and it's completely embarrassing, deconstructive and painful. So thank you. Thank you for breaking me.

I could sit here and write an apology to the people i have hurt, but it would do no good. No amount of apologies seem to work. Nothing works. it's as if the only off switch resides in the past, and i simply cannot get to it. Do i wish i never made the mistakes i did? absolutely. But i'm human. As are you, whoever you are. But i guess you're perfect.

it was so nice today to feel whole again. To feel that stress and that depression and that anxiety lift off my shoulders. For the first time i could breathe again. I could hold my head high and know that everything was ok. It's a shame it was fleeting. But at least i was reminded that i could still feel it.

welcome home

Well...it's been a very VERY long time since my last blog here. I suppose i got busy with life...or overwhelmed, depending on how you look at it. Or maybe i just had nothing to write about. Who knows. I found myself completely flooded with new projects, and new ways to release my creativity. But yesterday i was asked to begin blogging again, on a personal level. So here I am.


I find myself enjoying my alone time much more than normal. Not for any specific reason, other than I love to just be alone with my thoughts. I spend my nights alone, listening to records or whatever new music i can get my hands on, but find myself not wanting to listen to anything that's loud and distracting. Sure i love mainstream rock, but in my personal space, I want something with feeling and emotion and take me somewhere i've never been. I love listening to Nick Drake on vinyl. A lot of people don't get it, or get him. That's because they're blind and deaf. his voice literally floats...the music is on the record, but his voice hovers just a few inches above the vinyl, hanging in the air like a ghost....like he's sitting right next to you, in that orange armchair he loved, strumming to himself, and you're along for the ride. I could sit for hours just listening. Over, and over again.


I find myself in the same rut I get into every winter...where my mind overflows with a million and one ideas, then i get depressed because it feels like i am standing still. It's a vicious cycle, but one that i eventually surface from. It's all so hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with the winter. It's just so god damn depressing. I like cold weather, but inhumanly cold weather is just fucking unnecessary. I feel like I am completely detached and unfocused and unorganized. I hate it.


It feels as if the world has shit on me, all at once. Like a million little mishaps all happened at the same time, and i have fallen from the top of the world, to the very depths of the world. I know this is something i will rebound from, but the process of rebounding is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence the alone time to re-connect with myself.


like chasing a ghost.

some days just click

After 3 days of unrelenting heat....the skies opened up and rained down cooling relief. The steam is rising off the street as if releasing the demons its held in for so long. I watch this drama unfold through a floor to ceiling double paned window, as if i am a spectator for some nature peep show, watching the clouds slowly reveal their innermost secrets.

and suddenly everything feels right...a serene calm comes over me as the heat slowly fades away. Each drop brings a soothing quiet that one can only feel and not hear. Everything makes sense....and everything just clicks again.

will...

I often find myself thinking about my own funeral. Sometimes it strikes me as morbid, but other times i find myself wondering if everyone thinks about it...maybe it's not just me. Will people show up..how many...will people i don't even realize like me show up...will people cry...will they miss me...will they be glad i'm gone...

Addict.

there's just something about silence that is completely soothing...that is medicinal. I can't explain it. It's like a junkie finally getting that fix...finally putting the needle in and delivering what he needs the most. In a world so chaotic and hectic, silence IS a drug. It's something I can't get enough of. It's addictive...and I am most certainly an addict. Although, i suppose it's not complete silence that is my drug of choice, rather the high of the silencing of the world around me. The unmistakable euphoria when out of the chaos grows a seeping, crawling silence. Creeping in until my entire being is enrobed in beautiful quiet bliss.

It doesn't need to be completely silent. Usually, i will opt for the vacuum of noise canceling earphones in public...allowing the abyss within to fill my ears with whatever i need at that moment (which right now is Morcheeba), and at home, i generally prefer a locked door with a candle and the ambient crackle of frank sinatra on vinyl. Hey, everyone has their drug of choice.
I don't know what it is about the deafening dull roar of public places that has me frantically trying to escape it. It's something inside of me...a primal urge that screams inside of me until it can be satisfied...putting earphones in is like a breath of much needed air, the relief to the drowning i was feeling; the weight lifted off my chest not a moment too soon. Rushing through my body like heroin until i feel released, and finally at one with myself again.

The destructive, hectic world around me suddenly becomes something of a silent movie, set to my own personal soundtrack. A million people all moving, talking, rushing and crazy, suddenly silenced by my own will, and now all play their own part in my film. A film without a plot or a dialogue...and without an ending. A constant display of moving pictures, all with their own story. It only pauses for intermission when my silence is over....and continues again the next time i crave a moment.

As i write this i am relieved to know that the screaming child in line at starbucks is pleasantly silenced by the ambient beats in my ears, and instead only looks as if the music is coming from his increasingly saddened mouth.

The world is my silent movie.

free speech?

Does free speech exist? It's a heartwarming thought to think that there is some form of constitution that gave us the "right to free speech"...but in reality there is no such thing...it's more like "the right to free speech....if it doesn't offend anyone, and society equally agrees that they're ok with it"....so really is it free speech at all? Why is it ok for someone to laugh at a politically incorrect joke, but then tell someone else they're being judgmental? Why is it that people can think a certain politically incorrect thought, but the person who VOICES it is deemed cruel or inappropriate. It's all hypocrisy. it's all bullshit.

People SHOULD be able to say what they want to say. It's human. You all laugh at black or racist jokes, retard jokes, etc....all the people that deem others judgmental are in fact judgmental on their own, and have no right to speak. The self righteous people with the swollen hearts are not immune to saying "aw shit" when an east indian customer walks up to them and speaks bad english. None of us are. Yet the people like myself that voice it are deemed the bad ones. It's ridiculous and pathetic.

I am, by right, allowed to have my own opinion whether you like it or hate it. If you like it, cool. If you hate it, cool. But don't try to make me feel like a piece of shit for having it. That in itself makes you as judgmental as what you're trying to prove.

That kind of day

It's cold and raining today...It's been raining all morning....a cold, chilling rain driven by the wind.. it's the kind of day that makes you realize you're human. Where you're not comfortable...you're wet, you're cold and it's chilled you to the bone. You begin to realize your weaknesses, and remember that even if you're on top of the world, nothing is worse than getting a soaker in your Chuck Taylors. Or the brisk chill of getting into your car and realizing that you're colder sitting down than you were walking in the rain. You should take this moment and think. Think about things...your life....what you could be doing that you're not. Realize that life isn't always what it seems, and there are often a lot of things that you're missing.

People constantly complain about the rain, and ask "where's the sun!?"...well our planet wouldn't exist without the rain to balance out the sun. The rain is needed for all sorts of things on our planet, as well as it is needed for us. So stop bitching about the rain, and embrace it. Take the time to stop whatever it is that you're doing, stop bitching about how wet it is outside, and take the moment to embrace it...get a hot coffee or tea, and remember that the rain is needed. just like quiet time.

The Return to emotion

For a couple of years now, the music trend has been quickly declining into what i can only describe as a cesspool of talentless jokes...no longer does it matter about depth or quality of the music or the talent of the artist, because anything and everything can be fixed in the studio. It doesn't matter how good you are or aren't, it matters how many shitty records you will sell to shitty music fans. There hasn't been a new song in a very long time that has made me stop and listen...Everytime i hear a new single from whatever pop shit artist the world is in love with right now, all i hear is overproduced dance beats on behind overproduced auto-tuned vocals about disco sticks or not picking up the phone. Fucking sickening.

For the longest time now, I barely even listen to the radio. I don't watch muchmusic or MTV...mainly because there's only shows now, and the music videos they DO play are usually lady gaga, hedley, and stereos on repeat. I dive into my iPod and my personal music collection in order to get a breath of fresh air. I will find, buy, or download everything i can get my hands on just to find GOOD music. Hence my return to vinyl.

When vinyl was still in popular use, i wasn't even born. I remember the mid-late 80s when vinyls were still in use, but cassettes were becoming the new thing...so i never really understood or appreciated the record...but now...now i do. I am in my late 20s now and in my never ending quest for that music that delivers raw emotion, i know understand and love the vinyl. I remember being very young and my mom putting on old christmas records on our turntable. I remember the sounds that were produced...the slightly distorted cracks and hums of the music as it wafted down the hallways like the scent of fresh baked christmas pie. I remember looking through the art and the lyrics on the sleeve...flipping through the crates of records to find the one i wanted...it's all come back to me now.

So i bought a turntable, and started collecting vinyls....after weeks of trying to get the damn thing to work (i will tell you all about that later), i finally was able to enjoy it...i sat there, and as the needle touched the record, and the hiss of the grooves gave way to Ella Fitzgerald's liquid voice, I was a believer. I was listening to something that was recorded 60 years ago...and it SOUNDED like it...that's the whole point. It was warm...it was cozy and if you don't get how music could be warm and cozy, then you're in the wrong place. It was inviting...and although my speakers are not loud, the music filled the room, and made you feel like you were there. Next was simon and garfunkle, and it was the same; A portal into another time...another place. It didn't matter that i had high speed wireless internet, or GPS...i was in a time where nothing mattered but the simplicity of the music, and the words being spoken....THIS is what i have been searching for. I want music with emotion...recorded with emotion, from a time where emotion meant something. A lot of people are buying new vinyls of bands right now...which i am totally cool with...i bought a metric one the other day...But i can say i much rather prefer the old records that sound old. To me, a record that sounds like a CD is just a waste of money.

Now i am excited. I am fallen in love with music all over again. And i can't wait to have those moments....those perfect moments when the rain is coming down, the candles are lit, the wine is poured, and i hear that needle hiss away. This is music.

Hurry hurry hurry

As i left class today, after taking my last exam for the year, i put my headphones on, and walked outside to an AMAZINGLY beautiful day. I was right on the river and for some reason, something struck me at that moment....people need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. I don't mean physically....well actually yeah i kind of do....i mean in every aspect...slow down. Walk a little slower. Talk a little slower. Take things in instead of running by them. As i wtite this, i am sitting at the river, doing just that; taking things in. Slowing down. realizing that in the rat race that is life, we don't take enough time to just SEE things.

There are a lot of people who consider their relaxation time or down time as sitting in front of the tv, eating whatever they eat, or drinking whatever they drink...and hey, more power to them, whatever helps them unwind is cool with me. I personally only watch tv when it's super late at night and i just need something to occupy my eyes before i pass out, or when there is a show i actually want to see....which are few and FAR between. I find this...right now to be the way i like to unwind...quiet, a breeze, nature, and writing out all my thoughts, and unwinding.

Most people say they're SO busy, they have NO time for anything...but most of them have way more time than they think. They don't factor in the time they spend procrastinating. They don't realize that during the 2 hours it takes to watch gossip girl and 24, that's actually down time. They leave everything to the last minute, then rush and say they have no time. OR they enroll their kids in 57 different sports and activities and then bitch about it. YOU are in control of your life. you don't HAVE to enroll little Billy in soccer and baseball and hockey. You don't HAVE to watch gossip girl and the hills and whatever else you watch. You just WANT to.

Actually sit and total up all the time you spend not doing anything. You have a lot more time than you thought. And you will realize if you just slow down while you're doing the things you NEED to do, things will go much smoother. Try it.

As for me, i am going to get off this thing now, close my eyes, and unwind a bit further. Soak it in bitch!

out.

Helpful tips for life:

Alright people. Here are a few helpful tips in life. They've gotten me through this far, and they're pretty easy to live by, just try to learn them:

Tip # 1 - Stop being a douchebag. Seriously. Before you say or do something douchey, put yourself on the outside of the situation...if someone ELSE was about to do a ridiculous kermit the frog impression, or bust out the "I'm not your buddy, guy...i'm not your guy, friend" schtick for the millionth time, would you roll YOUR eyes and say "omg what a douche"?...if so, then keep your mouth shut.

Tip # 2 - If you're not classy, don't try to be. The "i'm going to act like i am a class act" thing is very transparent.

Tip # 3 - If you ARE classy, don't be a douchebag about it. It's a lot more impressive for people to notice your class on their own, rather than you forcing it down their throats. Example: If you have a knowledge of wine, and brought the perfect wine for a dinner party, don't ensure the fact that everyone knows it by telling them all night long.

Tip # 4 - IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING, DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Seriously. Nothing is more annoying, see through or angering than talking with someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. It goes one of 2 ways. The person either has a conversation with you and you do most of the talking, and they just nod their heads and mimic what you're saying or whatever they picked up on tv, OR you have a debate with this person as they mercilessly defend something they have NO clue about. The solution to this? if you don't know anything or much of anything about the topic at hand, admit it. I know your arrogance and overwhelming ego will think this is a sign of weakness, but fight it, since it's actually a sign of strength. You're admitting; "I don't know too much about this, so what's going on with it?"...it's common knowledge that not everyone knows eeverything about the same things, so not only are you admitting your lack of knowledge in a certain area, you're opening yourself up to an actual *GASP!* discussion...where *Gasp!* you're not the centre of attention!! And guess what...no one thinks your a giant douchebag for comparing Lacoste to The Gap without having ANY fucking idea what you're talking about.

Tip #5 - Dress for your body type. It doesn't matter what your style is, there are ways to fit your body type without looking like a complete idiot. If you have a very fat and non shaped ass, and big thighs, maybe skinny jeans aren't for you. If you have a gut and a half, maybe wear a shirt or a jacket that covers or hides it in some way. Just because something is in style doesn't mean you HAVE to wear it. If Uggs don't look good on you, don't wear them! It's pretty fucking simple. Even if you're wearing fashionable and trendy clothes, if they look like shit, no one will notice.

Tip # 6 - if you INSIST on wearing something that doesn't look good on you, then FUCKING OWN IT. I don't mean own it like it's yours, i mean OWN it, like make the clothes work for YOU. Hold your head up and fucking make that style yours, and you don't care what people think about it. The clothes won't do it themselves. You have create your look and then BE your look.

Tip # 7 - Subway won't fix your weight problems.

Tip # 8 - If you go to starbucks because you want to be a hipster and want people to see you with the cup, at least learn the menu, the language and the lingo. Otherwise you just look like a fucking idiot.

Tip # 9 - Not everyone likes the same shit as you. Not everyone is interested in the same shit as you. So don't make them feel like a fucking idiot if they don't. You're a big sports person? Awesome. The person your're talking to isn't? Who gives a shit. Saying "You DON'T watch sports!?" is a ridiculous thing to say. It's like if i were to ask a sports nut; "You DON'T like Robert Frost!?". Newsflash! There are 6.5 Billion people in this world. They didn't all watch the leafs game last night. Find something else to talk about.

The massive flaw that is insecurity.

You've met them. The people that are bothered by everything. You know who they are...the ones who are so easily offended by every little thing. The people who take everything as a personal attack, whether it was or not, and who can dish it out, but can never take it. We all have at least one of these people in our lives, and in some cases like my own, we have several.
I finally realized just how severely pathetic one of these people are the other day, when this person decided they were rubbed the wrong way by my opinion. I will not go into extreme detail, but they voiced their opinion, i voiced mine in return, and instead of agreeing to disagree, this person deleted the entire thread, deleted and blocked me from facebook, and then decided to write me a lengthy email somehow attempting to justify their actions, and deem themselves a higher person.

I literally LOLd. To actually have this person talk to me as if I was too stupid to figure out how transparent they are actually made me laugh. They claimed that their facebook status became a "Shit show" when myself and another person were having a discussion. See, to these people, a discussion involving 2 different opinions is a fight, not a conversation. This is the reason why so many insecure and non-confrontational people are overly irritating and make people want to snap. I have even spoken to the other party in the discussion and they agree that this person's reaction was a bit overboard...and by a bit, i mean fucking nutty.

So this person felt that it was justified to remove me from their friends, and block me, and then lecture me on it, saying that i was in "Attack mode" and that they were the hero, stepping in before a fight broke out. Newsflash, you fucking moron, there are no fights, it's the internet. And for the record, mature adults can actually have a conversation that involves more than one opinion. It's what makes the world interesting. Now, getting back to their email... this person made several references to themselves, justifying that they "Weren't mean", etc. This also killed me, since overly insecure people have a severe habit of saying things and writing things, in order to convince themselves that they are in the right. It's sickening, since even THEY know deep down that they're fucking crazy, and try to tell themselves they aren't.

There are so many points to make here, i am getting lost...the simple fact that they felt that they could voice their opinion, but felt that an opposing opinion was an attack, is enough to tell me that this person has a skin that is paper thin, and has most likely grown up with either mommy and daddy kissing their ass, or has been overly insecure for the majority of their lives, and have simply agreed with what everyone around them was saying just to avoid confrontation. Either way, this person is a pathetic shell of a human.

Now...my favourite part of the entire thing. Once i was deleted from their facebook, i changed my status to something that was quite obviously directed at them. Since i couldn't send a private message, this was the best i could do (i would also like to point out the incredibly cowardly move of blocking someone, so THEY can message you whenever they want, but YOU can't message them). This person, in their email to me made a point to say that Using a facebook status instead of sending a private message was wrong, and disrespectful. THIS made me laugh harder than i already had been....why? Because this person uses status updates to send insults, comments, or whatever to their significant other on a regular fucking basis. It's pathetic and childish, and i want to stab myself in the eye everytime i read one....yet they were hypocritical enough to tell me that was immature. FUCK YOU.

Bottom line, these people are useless to me. They are far too afraid of confrontation, so they use distance as a weapon. They can never say these things to your face, and they don't want you to be able to use YOUR free speech, they just want to be able to use theirs. They can say anything they want, but if you say what you want, you're attacking, or you're wrong, or disrespectful, or whatever they feel offended them at that moment. It's pathetic. The world must bow to them if something doesn't go their way, and you're damn sure to hear about it if it doesn't. They are big with their words, but even their words are just a mask for their cowardice, and even THEY know it.

So i would like to give a very large FUCK YOU to this person, and to be very honest, i am GLAD you deleted and blocked me, since now i don't have to bear witness to your pathetic facebook addiction, commenting, liking, and changing your status every 3 fucking minutes. Get a fucking life you pathetic idiot, and grow up. The world isn't going to wait for you to grow a fucking back bone.

Friends.

I'm sitting here, enjoying a glass of 2009 Riesling/Gewurztraminer by OPEN, which is actually a delicious wine...and i'm thinking. I am thinking about life, love, and friends. Something happened to me this past weekend that i would like to share, and it involves friends. I realized, in stunning HD quality this weekend that when all the bullshit is boiled away, there are 2 types of friends: REAL friends, and bullshit friends. Before i get into the definition of what these friends are, let me tell you about what spawned this.

My best friend Kaycee is moving to nova scotia this weekend. She is embarking on what i can say is probably the biggest moment of her life thus far. It's something right out of a movie...picking up and moving to the east coast to be with her long lost love. Romantic? yes...a but crazy...maybe...but that's not my call. This is her call, and upon her decision, she decided for what may possibly be the last time, to get all of her friends together for a farewell party. Well she had been telling people about it for weeks, getting it ready, and looking forward to it. I had a show the night before in toronto, and made damn sure i was back in time for the party. So i get ready, make sure i am dressed to the nines, and make my way to her house. When i get there, i see a room full of people i don't even know. Not a single mutual friend of mine or kaycee's. Her one friend meaghan is there and that's it. Her brother's friends are all there, but as far as kaycee's actual friends, NO ONE was there. It was upsetting. it was angering, and it down right disgusted me.

So i asked her if anyone was coming. She said probably not. She talked to a few of our "friends", and they all had a reason why they weren't coming. The best part was the reasons: "I am not feeling well"...ok, i can MAYBE accept that one...but another one "Well...who's going to be there?"...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE. If you are a friend, you fucking go there. I didn't know a single person in that room. I felt completely over dressed around hoodies and jeans. I hated the music, and i wanted to be outside instead of in a garage, but i FUCKING WENT. I drove back from toronto that day. I was sore. I was exhausted. But i went.

These are the same "friends" that are between 22 and 30, and still act as if they are 18...quoting family guy and thinking that they MUST get wasted if they have 1 drink. All they know are sports, and tv shows and really only care about themselves. These are the same friends who, one year for kaycee's birthday complained about the place SHE wanted to go because THEY didn't like it, and THEY didn't want to stand in line. It's pathetic.

These people are not your friends kaycee. They are no one's friends. They are only your friends when your pool is open, or you're feeding them. They are your friends when it's convenient for them to be your friends, and that's it. These are the same friends who abandoned me when me and Missy broke up, and decided they preferred to spend time with her over me. At first i was pissed, but now...hey, it's their loss, because i truly can't stand to be around them any more. There are only a couple that i really enjoy hanging around with. the others i couldn't care less about. Why? Because i don't give a shit about that episode of family guy, or that episode of simpsons, and no i didn't watch the fucking leaf game, and no i didn't cancel other cool things happening in order to WATCH the fucking leaf game.

So me and my girlfriend took kaycee out. Like real friends do. She was down. she was crying. she was very upset. So we took her out. We showed her the best time we possibly could. At least we tried. We did everything we possibly could. I tried to make her forget about it, and focus on the happy, new amazing life she has ahead of her. But i know deep down she was hurting. Deep down i was filled with hatred. A friend is not someone who is there 6 days a week, talks to you on the phone every day and says "i love youuuuuu!"....and then never comes around when you NEED them. A FRIEND is someone you can not talk to for 5 months, and then pick up right where you left off. A FRIEND is someone who will drop everything to help you at the drop of a hat if you need them. A FRIEND is someone who will pick you up when you're down even if it means doing something they don't want to do. THAT is a friend.

My friend Anthony. He's a true friend. He not only got us the show in toronto the night before kaycee's party, but he put us up in his apartment. His tiny little apartment. We were definitely a hassle, but he did it. I see anthony a few times a year now, as opposed to ALL THE TIME. but we pick up where we leave off. We are there for each other. THAT is a friend.

Where am i going with this? Well it's basically given me closure on knowing that the people i was formerly friends with really are a waste of space. They were a waste of time, and the sheer fact that i have no actual memories concerning just those people as friends should tell me something. I have a million memories involving my real friends. But none involving the people that were just around. What does this tell me? it tells me i am better than that. I am better than them. I am doing something with my life, and so is Kaycee. Kaycee is jumping on the chance to change her life. I am working every day to make something of mine...and these other people....these "friends"...well they're really doing nothing with their lives. So good fucking luck to them.

Kaycee. I love you. You're my best friend, and i wish you the best of luck on your future travels.
you always have a TRUE friend in me, and that, you can count on.

summer in the city

I sit here...a silently still individual on a patio on a gorgeous spring day. All around me is a mazzive buzz of traffic...people traffic. The heat of the day penetrates me, even in the shade and even the breeze is moist with humidity. This can only mean there will be a thunderstorm at some point soon...but i don't care. I love storms. I look around and all i can see are all different people...old people...young people....young women in their business attire on lunch break...young men in their business attire, althout all their suits are oversized...people out walking their dogs, riding bikes, rollerblading...

I saw a woman on rollerblades while using a cane because she could barely stand up...there is a fat man wearing tight bike shorts...homeless people asking for change. All different people from all walks of life are all crossing this intersection....for a lot of my life i have despised this city...and to a certain degree i still do...but something about this day has changed that...looking at all the people eating next to open patio doors...seeing the massive variety of people...makes me realize it's not such a bad place

for real people?

Ok. Have you ever gone into a store to buy some clothes...you look around, and you find a few things you kinda like...you go to the back of the store and you say "can i try these on?" and the sales clerk says "No."...? No, that has never happened to you. Unless you're asking to try on underwear...in which case you're gross and need mental help. Or how about this...have you ever gone car shopping, and the dealer refuses to let you take the car on a test drive? Doubt it. Even HMV lets you listen to a CD before you buy it, to make sure you dig it first....this is all standard procedure for most places....

So WHY, at certain stores to they NOT allow you to test out FRAGRANCES before you buy them? This is actually even DUMBER than not letting people try on clothes. I can't count how many stores i have been to recently where the cologne is fucking LOCKED UP. WHAT!? locked up!? Ok. I understand that cologne is expensive (unless you're buying Tim McGraw's cologne. In which case, end your life please), but still, you need to SMELL the cologne before purchase, and smell it ON your body. This is the purpose of cologne. Now, i understand the purpose of locking it up. But at least keep a tester bottle out for fuck's sake, this way people can actually see and smell what they are buying.

True story...Picture this: You're standing in a Superstore...they have a vast and actually impressive collection of fragrances at decent prices. You look and find a few that you are interested in...but SHIT! They are locked behind a pane of glass...and go figure, NO ONE is around to help you. At least at Shoppers, there is a person that works specifically in that department to help you....but NO. not at the superstore...or rexall....or wal mart...or ANYWHERE else except sears. So you finally flag down some fat massive bitch to come and open up the fucking case for you. This person goes out of their way to make you feel like you have just committed some massive crime by interrupting them from whatever pointless task they were doing...then they STAND there and breathe down your neck while you peruse, and the whole time you feel pressured and rushed and like a giant idiot....so you don't even dare ask them if you can open a box because you know they are going to say no...so you feel like leaving because you don't want to deal with their shit...so there is no sale!!! So by locking up the cologne, sure no one steals it, but no one fucking buys it either!!!

So reaaallly it's probably more worth it to keep everything unlocked, and risk the occasional bottle being lifted as opposed to never selling a single fucking bottle. make sense? Yep.

the winds are a blowin.

i am a firm believer that the weather is not just what temperature or conditions are outside at the moment, but also a gauge as to how to attack the day. I find for myself that the weather effects every last little part of what i do more than i have realized in the past. I mean, we all know to dress for the weather, obviously. But the weather effects so many more things, quite importantly, your mood. Your mood takes control of your body, your day, and your overall experience. It's your choice to either let it ruin you, or let it work for you.

In my experiences, i have observed that there are quite a lot of people that let changes in the weather completely ruin their moods or their days...when really they shouldn't. sure, it sucks when it's sunny and warm, and then clouds move in and put a chill on everything. But why should you let that destroy your mood? People hate rainy days, because there's nothing on tv, and they're bored and blah blah blah. I love rainy days because it's a chance to experience things i don't normally do...on a rainy day like yesterday i could sit around and watch re runs of shitty shows...or i could turn the tv off, put on a record, light a candle and just relax, and soak in the moment. Moments like that are meant to be enjoyed, not scowled at. Music is a very large conductor of emotion as is weather, so why do so few people combine them?

I mean, don't let me tell you how to enjoy your music, you can do what you want with it. But to me, there is certain music that is almost better enjoyed with certain weather...almost as if they each have their own power, and when combined, they present you with an experience that is like no other.

to me, combining your clothes, your music, your activities and of course, your cologne with the weather is completely essential. On a crisp autumn day, the wind is blowing and the chill is setting in....open the window a crack, grab a comfy sweater, put on some burberry cologne, and find yourself some woody herman to play (preferably on vinyl), and watch how your day changes. Or a day like today...colder than it has been, windy and gray...why let it ruin you, and why beg for the sun? Put on a jacket and some comfy shoes, go for a walk with your ipod and listen to something that captures the moment...for me it would be something vintage or something like the verve pipe. for you, could be something totally different. It's all about what makes you feel good...but capture it. Take control of the moment, and go with it, instead of letting them pass you by.

Expand your musical tastes, look wider than you have before. Stop listening to the same old shit over and over again, and test yourself. You will discover a world of new experiences.

Oh, i have also discovered that Starbucks' caffe verona french press coffee goes fantastic with early morning Postal service.

shakedown at the Wal

What a beautiful day! I am in a great mood, and since my great mood should be taken advantage of, i decided to head out and do a little bit of looking around since my motivational state has been heightened as of late. So a little trip to the music store, some powerman 5000 blaring down the highway and i am golden! I decided to make a quick run to Wal mart (i know...i know), to get a big rubbermaid bin for all my music gear...Come on, where else are you going to get one that size for $10? So i park my car and head in...just outside the front doors, there is some dude being tackled by 4 guys on the ground, as they put handcuffs on him...quite obviously he was shoplifting, and quite obviously the guys were security, just in plain clothes most likely since they are floor walkers. So they pick the guy up, and as they are bringing him back into the store, some fat slob of a woman says "excuse me, who are you? You don't even identify yourself?"
one of the guys said "we're security ma'am, don't worry about it"....

at this point it was plain to me that this bitch was the rosie o'donnel type of woman: Fat, loud, disgusting and with an overwhelming need to voice her opinion, no matter what. So she says "umm, i AM worrying about it, that man did nothing wrong"...to which the security guy said "He was shoplifting and running out of the store. It's our job to detain him"...
to which the swine of the earth said "Well, you didn't identify yourself...you think you can just tackle people like that? Think you're tough? I have a right to voice my concern"

Now, at this point i will say that it seemed like the security guys were a little fuckin overboard. They all looked to be in their early to mid 20s and seemed a bit too quick on the trigger. Odds are their job is pretty boring so this was a chance to get out there and show the world...rather the WAL what they were made of. They probably are either in school to be cops, failed out of school to be cops or just want to be a cop, so they took it all a little bit too far. BUT, they WERE doing their job regardless, so i am on their side.

So the dude looks at her and says "Ma'am you will be charged with obstructing an arrest if you don't let us do our job"...This fat bitch is like "Excuse me!? I am a Citizen of...canada...and...i have uh...the right....umm...to know what is going on here...what did that boy do?" finally the security guy turns around and says "Listen lady, you do NOT have the right to know what is going on, and unless you're that kid's lawyer or mother, get the fuck out of my face before i remove you too"....

I started laughing my ass off out loud and the lady looked at me in complete disgust, like i looked like a carrot or something. She started talking to random people about how crazy this was, and everyone was like..."umm...you really have no reason to be like this...they're doing their job". Finally she was defeated and waddled away back to her steak-scented car to drown her loss in hot buttered bacon-flavoured popcorn.

Moral of the story? Unless you actually have something to be complaining about, Shut the hell up and let people do their jobs. it's not your business, so don't make it your business. and not being a jelly filled cunt doesn't hurt.