meditation

my blog here has been sparse. I rarely write in it anymore, but sometimes i feel the need to. Today is just one of those days. I feel as if suddenly my life has become completely different. I am all of a sudden thrown into this mess of chaos and emotional wreckage, where at one time, things were fine. It's all come on so fast, and it's caused me to take a step back and really take a look at things, but more importantly, a look at myself.

I took up meditation again a few months ago, and besides making a huge positive impact on my anxiety, it also caused me to bring to light things about myself...things that i maybe have always known, but never admitted.

I'm not always a good person. I have hurt people, specifically women. Not physically of course, but emotionally...and while they will recover and move on, just knowing that i hurt them leaves scars on my soul that will never fade, never heal...they will always be there as a constant reminder that i was, and can be a complete asshole. I hate it. For decades now i have run an emotional gauntlet; i will like or even love someone, things will get heated and then one day, i will wake up and my feelings have changed. It could be within a week. It could be within a few months, or even years down the road. I fucking hate it. I feel hated and despised by many people, and whether it's true or not, none of them can ever match my hate for myself in this regard.

There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about at least one person i hurt. one person i loved then left. it tears me apart. i try to be the best person i can be on a daily basis, but i will never live down what i've done. Maybe people will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish the things i felt towards someone made complete sense to me at the time...maybe i wouldn't have left such a path of destruction in my wake.

i envy people that know how to be truly deeply happy.