Revelation

As I stepped out of the house today, for some reason, a memory struck me. This memory turned into a revelation as the day went on, and as I sit here sipping on a Tangueray and tonic, it has become more and more worth writing about. It was a memory of grade school. A specific time and moment actually; The winter of grade 8. I had just quit my paper route, and The Windsor Star had paid me my credit I had built up over the past couple years of working. So I was a 13 year old with about $360 to spend. I felt like a king. I waited until boxing day to spend it, and then I went to the mall, and had a blast.

Let’s back it up a little bit here. Grade school sucked for me. No one liked me. I was a nerd. I had the glasses, the hair, the cheesy sweaters, the whole bit. Yeah, I was that kid. I was awkward, and never fit in with anything I did. I was made fun of because I wasn’t one of the ‘cool’ kids, and needless to say it hurt. I was far too young to develop an “I don’t need them” attitude, so I constantly looked for ways to fit in. I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be part of the group. Never happened. By the time grade 8 rolled around, I had become some what of an independent loner, preferring to spend time along than with the shallow, transparent people in my class…even though I still wanted acceptance from them. I much preferred my own company to theirs. Even at the age of 13 I felt that I was deeper and more intellectual than most people around me, so conversations with myself were actually more fulfilling than conversations with other people. You can call it pathetic, but I really don’t care. Even my grade 8 teacher felt it was his place to tell my parents in a report card that I spend too much time alone, and that I should try harder to participate with other kids. I guess my teacher never knew what it was like to be ridiculed by the “jocks” and I bet he never knew how it felt to have the girl you like ask you to be her boyfriend….as a dare in truth or dare. Maybe if he had felt that, he wouldn’t be so eager to participate either.

We’ll get back to that teacher in a little bit, I’m not finished with him yet. So where was I…oh yes, Christmas break. So here I am on boxing day, a wad of cash in my hand, finally looking forward to buying some of the ‘cool’ shit that was ‘in’ then…maybe now I could show them how cool I could be…I could have that Adidas coat I wanted…you know, the big puffy ‘starter jacket’ type?..maybe I could have some cool nike shoes…, the world was my fuckin oyster, and I intended to find the pearl. I found a pair of Shawn Kemp shoes on sale, and my heart leapt with joy. These shoes were “in” so I bought them in a heartbeat. I bought the generic version of CK One, called Gender 1, because it smelled identical…(this was obviously before my love of cologne, and my nose for it)…I felt like a million bucks. I couldn’t wait to go back to school and have people accept me…have people really notice me.

Finally the first day after the break arrived. I woke up, and despite a foot of snow on the ground, I strapped on my new basketball shoes, put on my cologne, and headed for the door. I was excited. I was waiting for the grand welcoming into the coveted clique of the cool kids. It didn’t happen. In fact, the most unexpected thing happened; they made fun of me more for TRYING to fit in. The shoes I bought were suddenly out of style since there was a newer version of them. I apparently bought the older version. The cologne I bought wasn’t the right kind, it was a rip off. I suddenly found myself even lower than I was originally, and I couldn’t believe it. Had I just left things alone, I would have been better off. The point I am trying to make is that the harder I tried to fit in, the less I did.

That brings me to today. Part of me gets sick to my stomach when I think about the days of grade school…I hate it. It makes me remember all the pain, fear and embarrassment I went through…and it lasts about 3 minutes before I realize that it was those experiences that made me the way I am today. If it wasn’t for those days of agony, I would never be the person I am today. And for that I am grateful. See, the person I am today doesn’t try to fit in with the cool people….because I simply don’t fucking give a shit about the cool people. I don’t give a shit about fitting in, as I am very happy just doing my own thing, blazing my own trail and carving my own path. I wish I could say the same thing about the people that made my life hell back then, but I am pretty certain that the majority of them are right where I always knew they would be: Nowhere. They are living nowhere lives in dead end jobs, and are most likely still the useless white trash they always were. Oops, do I sound bitter? Sorry about that, despite the fact that I am past 99% of that shit, it still feels nice to know that the people that once held you down are now being held down by their own actions.

Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it.

2010 - the year of the dick.

I told myself i wasn't going to make any resolutions for this year. I Lied. this year my main resolution is to be a dick. Yes, that's right, to be a complete dick. But not the way you're thinking. I am going to be a dick in the way that needs to occur.



See, people like myself, and most people for that matter are nice people by nature. We don't want to start confrontations, or upset people, so we let things slide, we sacrifice and we compromise, and in the end, the other person, who is usually a dick to begin with, gets what they want, and our credibility is shot. Not anymore. You know the people i am talking about right? The people that take you for granted. The people that just want attention. When you ask them what is wrong, they sigh and say nothing, even though they're making it obvious that something is wrong. When they say "nothing", old justin would say "no..what's the matter? talk to me"....new justin will say "ok good. "



for example: an incident happened on new year's eve where a friend of mine was with a wasted friend whom i had never met. during one of my breaks (i was performing that night), i went over to say hey, and her friend decided it would be funny to spray silly string in my eye. I, being drunk decided to rip her a new asshole, and proceeded to talk shit to her into the microphone, yelling about "who does that" and just getting pissed off. The next day, i realized that I had over reacted, and I sent my friend a facebook message apologizing. I owned up to my mistake, and admitted it like a man. I waited over a week, no response. I would see status updates from her, and comments from her on other things, so i knew she was on facebook. So I decided that since 2010 is my year to stop being nice when niceness isn't needed, i sent her a second message saying that I hadn't received a reply, So i didn't care anymore. I was the bigger person, and if ignoring something means you can stay mad at me, then fuck you.

Seriously, i am DONE being nice when it's no longer needed. I am sick of being taken advantage of because i am nice. There are predators out there who KNOW when someone is overly nice, and know when someone will sacrifice their views in order to avoid a confrontation, and they use this to their advantage. It's sickening, and I'm done with it. These people need to be called out for what they really are. They need to be told that they don't deserve peoples' niceness, instead they need to be put in their place.

SO. 2010 will be the year of the Dick. If you see me being a dick, or I am a dick to you, before you get offended or angry, keep in mind that I am doing so because i tried being nice first, and you didn't get it.

Happy new year.

it's that time again...

It's that time...the time where i look back on the past year and reflect on things, and usually end up with a stupid long post and some revelation i didn't know i could have.

This year was interesting to say the least. Not a lot of huge things happened, but enough occurred for me to look back and wonder where i would be if things changed. I guess one of the major things that happened in 2009 for me was leaving my job. For those of you who didn't know, i worked as a customs broker for about 5 years. It began as a quick thing to just get me out of the job i was at, which was working at the XS family fun centre...which made me want to kill myself. I got into it, and well, it stuck. I left my first job as a broker to go to a better broker, and for the first little while, it was actually a good job. It paid well, and it offered me new knowledge, and a feeling of professionalism. That is, until shit hit the fan, and the company started driving itself into the ground. Combining the mounting stress and anxiety of a workplace i hated with an extremely demanding and stressful school schedule was enough to make grown men snap, so i realized this past summer that i had to leave. Fortunately, I had been working on designing a position at a local bar which i frequented, and well, let's just say it worked out for the best...kind of. What i gained in stress-relief and no anxiety, i lost in pay.

Was it the right move? Yes i believe it was. If i stayed at my other company, i would have surely snapped and went on a shooting spree in a local wal mart. I couldn't handle it, and needed to leave. I was grumpy and hated life 24/7. Now, I am a manager/bartender/musician/student, and while the bills are getting paid (barely) and i have maybe $2 breathing room, i am SO much happier, and my anxiety attacks are few and very far between, as opposed to being 4 times a week. So yeah, i'd say it was the right choice.

what else happened this year...well, i suppose i have really fallen into, and taking a huge love to my course. I truly love graphic design, and while i still have much to learn, i like to think i have grasped on to it quite well. There are certain areas i am not the strongest in, but there are other areas i excel in, so i will take the good with the bad. i have always been the artistic kid, and now knowing how to do things properly, i have produced some of the best work i ever have, and it's nice to truly be proud of work you do.

Again, as in every year past, i have shed my skin of certain friends, and discovered new ones along the way. Friends i was glued to last year, i now no longer even say hello to. Not by my doing might i add, but simply because the personalities these friends chose to develop just didn't mix with me. Why did they develop such personalities? Who knows. Did i change? I don't think so....but regardless, nothing can be done now. As always, i prefer the company of myself over constant friends being around, so i guess this doesn't phase me much anymore.

in other 2009 news, i have found my comfort zone in my relationship. not simply with my girlfriend, but with her family. This year has shown me what it is like to actually be comfortable with your loved one's family, and has shown me a lot of different things i never noticed until i was in this relationship.

other things of 2009 -

I have developed a hardcore love of sushi
I fell in love with Nick drake, deathcab for cutie, and other various wacky artists
I still hate sports
I developed a love of Gin as my drink of choice


Anyways, 2009 wasn't as interesting as other years, simply because i am happy. I am not depressed, stressed and there is NO drama in my life, so 2009 was pretty damn good!


happy new year friends!
Justin

Few things make me more creative and inspired than the weather. The weather has a severe impact on my mood and my inspiration, and always has. Today is one of those days that call for a hot cup of gourmet coffee, a blanket and a book or a movie. The snow is falling, the temp is cold, and there is no better place to be than inside, relaxing and reflecting. Tonight i'm thinking a glass or 2 of wine, and some designing while some nice chill music plays in the background. But hey, that's just me...

It's on days like today though, that i really begin to think about things on a deeper level. Those of you who are familiar with my posts, or who know me quite well know that my life has been a constant revolving door of friends. Almost as if i continually rotate my roster until the perfect team has been built. Friends like richard and kaycee have been around for years, while friends like Fab and Eric are relatively new to the scene...either i just get bored with people, or i realize that a lot of people simply aren't as compatible as i thought they were with my friendship. Maturity is usually the main cause for this.

There is one friend though, I have realized that is really no longer a friend at all...rather more of an acquaintance. Which hurts me to say. This friend will not be named, nor will it be revealed if this friend is male or female, since i don't desire to make a huge deal out of it. This friend though, has gone from someone whom i told everything to, to someone who I rarely ever speak to. And when we DO speak, it's forced small talk at best. I miss this person a LOT, but i don't really feel that they miss me as much as i had hoped.

Now i will mention that this person withdrew from our friendship when they found a significant other. I will be the first to say that of course when you find someone, you don't hang out with your friends as much. That's understandable. But to completely cut yourself off is not cool. Especially considering how close we were. I suppose i am letting all this out now because i have never really voiced or even acknowledged how hurt I am. And since it is almost that time of year where i do my annual reflection blog, i guess it's hitting closer to home than i expected.

Every year i go through the same thing. I find new friends, and i shed the old ones. I know shed is a pretty harsh word to use, but those who know me know that i keep people close only if they deserve to be kept that way. If you're a douchebag or not a good friend, you will be removed. As was the case of another person i used to be quite close with and now don't even speak a word to.

Maybe i'm getting old. Maybe i am realizing that in life people come and go, and only the best of the best survive. Is that cruel of me? I don't think so...i think it's only fair to want the best people surrounding you at all times, no?

So, i sit here. A pug resting in my lap, a cup of Cafe Verona steaming by my side and a relentlessly wandering mind wondering what the next year will hold for me. As for my friend above, well...despite missing them, I wish them nothing but the best. They deserve the best, and I am happy they are happy. I mean that.

Keep checking back for the New Year's Blog
:)

it's christmas. It's 4:09 in the morning. I sit here tired and weary from a long night at work, munching on a luke warm bowl of pasta and wondering why the hell there hasn't been a christmas special on since 10:00. But even more than that, I am thinking about how different my life is now than it was a year ago. I should be going to sleep, but my goodnight kiss with my girlfriend sparked something in me that i HAVE to blog about.

Christmas has always been a very important occasion for me. Not for religious reasons...or for the gifts. Although i don't complain about that part...It's always been just the feeling of the season. The christmas songs, the baking, the decorations, the smell in the air of a crisp cold christmas morning. All the little things that just made it so special. As i grew older, i noticed that christmas came a lot quicker, and as i got busier in life, it seemed to just pop up out of nowhere, without even a chance for me to find my christmas spirit. I hated it.

Then i met my girlfriend. At this time last year, we had basically just begun officially dating, and things weren't really serious enough for our christmas to be amazing...although it was very cool...but this year is completely different. This year, i feel it. I feel more into the season than i have in a very long time. I didn't realize the reason why until just a few moments ago: I have found my place.

I am no longer lost in any aspect of my life. I'm not seeking out anything anymore, because i have everything i need. My girlfriend is amazing. My girlfriend's family is amazing. I mean it. They are some of the most giving, generous and warm people i have ever met. It used to be, in my main past relationship, that i would arrive at christmas, and be uncomfortable for the entire time. I would sit there as the multiple cousins dicussed sports or sport related things, and really just felt intimidated the entire time. I hated it. I would get very nice gestures of gifts from her parents, and even her brother, and aunt and uncle, which was very thoughtful and very sincere, although i never felt as if there was anything really personal about it. The gifts, although very appreciated, were somewhat impersonal. In my current relationship, i have become so close with her family, that i cannot even begin to explain. Her sister treats me very well, like family, making dinners, and opening her doors to me on a regular basis. I have always wanted a sister, and i have found one in her. Despite our sarcastic love/hate relationship, i know she adores me ;) Her brother in law does the same, and in him, i have found a very close friend and almost brother figure with whom i can talk about a lot of different things, and whom i learn from on a daily basis. What i know about today's rock and music industry, he matches in his knowledge of older varieties of music. He's one of the coolest cats i have ever met, and he's always got a beer or scotch on hand :)

Her parents are fantastic and have welcomed me since day 1. Always open and generous, they have treated me with fairness and respect, which i absolutely love. Her mother is a doll and i enjoy talking to her about lots of different things, and i love her outspoken opinons (most of the time lol), and her father is a dude i could talk to for hours. He is knowledgable and loves learning as i do, so we hit it off quite well.

So where was i...oh yes. As i sat there at their family dinner this evening, i realized something i have never felt. I was comfortable. I spoke freely. I was at ease. The gifts i got her family were very appreciated, and to my relief, loved. The gifts her family got me were among some of the most thoughtful and unneccesary gifts i've ever received. Unneccesary in a very good way. I will not go into detail as to what they were, but they are very appreciated.

So i sit here. Alone next to my christmas tree, finally realizing that this christmas is different. This christmas, although having barely any money to spend is already better than many i've had. I am rambling. I don't even know where this train of thought is heading, but i don't care. I'm happy. I am happy that this christmas has finally arrived.

I cannot wait for my first taste of egg nog when i wake up...in 3 hours...and as a final note to this very unorganized but inspired blog:

Even if you don't totally dig a present you get, keep your mouth shut about it. There is nothing ruder in my opinion than bitching about a gift to the person. Keep your thoughts to yourself, or at the very least, blog about them 5 years later lol.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

It's christmas time. There are officially 4 days left until Christmas, which is a day that a lot of people consider to be one of the happiest occasions of the year. It's a time that I personally find myself in a much better mood as soon as snow hits the ground. I tend to let things slide easier, and just go with the flow. A notice a lot of people are this way as well.

However, i noticed, as I braved my way into the mall today that there are 2 very distinct and very different personalities that arise in this season: The joyous festive people, and the bitter, resentful assholes.

The first people, we've already touched upon. The people that are happy, festive, and easy going. The ones who don't mind if you cut in line, or say go ahead, take that parking spot. They tip extra, say hello and smile to you on your way by....we love these people, and I am happy to say I am one of them.

The other people however are thorns in my fucking side, and i can't stand looking at them. You know who i am talking about. The tense and over angry mother with 3 kids hanging off her...the kids that scream and yell at everything. The dude who just wants to get in and get out asap with no one talking to him, the "guy" that thinks shopping is gay and just wants to buy his wife a fucking toaster and get on with life...and then there are just those people that don't like christmas, so they take that out on the people that do. Seriously, fuck off already.

I don't really have much more to say than just lighten up. Even if you don't celebrate christmas, at least take the chance to be happy and festive with everyone else. And hey, that goes for the rest of the year too. Stop being an uptight asshole, and just go with it.

That is all.

PS - I read the best quote today, one that i have lived by most of my life, and never put it into words: "A gentleman should not dress well. He should dress with character. "

Merry Christmas! (not happy holidays)

If you're going to be a poser, at least do it well.

Ok, so there are lots of things in this world to know a lot about, right? I mean some people know a lot about cars, some people know a lot about sports, or music or art...but even deeper below these very vague things, are smaller nuances of what people know a lot about. The car guy might know a lot about specific models or engines over others. The art person might really know a lot about the renaissance over other periods, etc. Everyone has their thing, and we should all be humble enough to admit that while we know a lot about certain things, there are other things we know nothing about. For example, I know a lot about music, colognes, and a fair bit about alcohol, but i know nothing about cars or sports. But that's the point. I don't PRETEND to. When someone asks me about cars, i simply tell them "you're asking the wrong dude". It's simple. there is nothing shameful about it, you just simply don't know a lot in that category.

But then you have the people that THINK they know a lot about something, because they've heard it somewhere, but can't back it up. I'm talking about the people that pretend they know everything about everything just to make themselves look good. This happens all the time, more often than i can explain. Listen up people, if you don't know a lot about something, be honest and humble, and admit it. Chances are, whoever you are talking to will be MORE than happy to teach you a few things. I simply cannot stand people who talk out their asses just to make themselves look cool...odds are there is someone around them who DOES know what they're talking about, and they're laughing their ass off at you.

Case in point: Thursday night a guy comes up to the bar, and takes a few seconds to look at our selection. He made it well known he was doing so, since he announced "Let's see what you have..." now, first of all, you're in a bar. Not a fancy wine place, or a high end cigar bar, just a bar. We have the same shit that the other bars have, maybe with a few differences. So please don't act like you have some snooty palette, and just pick a drink.

He looks a few seconds and then says "I'll have a double-short CC 12 year on the rocks please". Behold! i actually had a glimmer of hope for this poor lad, as he ordered the booze by name, chose the higher brand of it, and is drinking it on the rocks. but something didn't seem right. Someone who drinks rye, DRINKS rye. They know what they like and what they don't like. And if they're going to drink a step above the bottom, they generally look at the TOP shelf, where the high end booze is. He did not. Which told me this dude had $20 to spend, and wanted to look as cool as possible with it. I also noticed the 2 girls next to him that he was trying oh so hard to impress...So was he a real rye drinker? I doubt it....it was his next move that confirmed to me that he was a massive poser:

"Can i get that with coke?"... you're fucking joking with me right? Here i was, giving him my subtle respect, giving him a GLASS Canadian club glass, not our normal plastic rocks glasses, I served it to him the way RYE drinkers do it; 2 ice cubes, no garnish... And he has the balls to mix it with COKE. What a slap in the fucking face.

WHY would you go to the trouble of ordering a rye that is a step above the basic, if you're just going to mix it with coke? To me, that basically told me his story: "I am too much of a pussy to drink rye on the rocks, so i order higher stuff to make me look cool, when really i have to cover the taste with coke" What a fucking douchebag.

Anyone reading this who has done the same thing, end yourself. If you're going to drink rye, and especially if you're going to drink a HIGH END rye Whiskey, man up, grow some balls and drink it the way it is meant to be drank. Otherwise, if you're going to mix it with coke, ginger, 7up, or ANYTHING besides a couple ice cubes and MAYBE a splash of water, order the bottom rung rye, and hang your head in shame. But bottom line, STOP BEING A FUCKING POSER. Drink what you like, not what you think will make you look cool. Be a leader, and not a follower.

This goes for all of you retards who wear cologne the complete wrong way. Listen, if you're going to spend $80 on a cologne because you think it will impress people, find another hobby. Colognes are meant to be worn the way the designer intended. Much like food is meant to be enjoyed the way the chef intended. It's not meant to be poured or sprayed on so people 23 miles away can smell you. It is also not meant to be worn whenever you feel like it. Colognes are designed with certain scents and ingredients to compliment and enhance certain moods, weathers, occasions, even times of the day. Do some research, find out what ingredients are in it, and figure out how the designer wants you to wear it.... ie/ I use Burberry Brit for times when i am a bit dressed up, specifically in winter times, at night, since the scent is a darker, heavier and more formal scent. Whereas i use Lacoste Essential for spring and summer days. There are a lot of things that go into the design of a cologne, you should respect that.

And please, if you're going to wear cologne and want people to notice, skip the wal mart section, stop looking for the $12 knockoff shit, and buy a good, solid cologne that YOU like, and that smells good on YOU. Don't buy P diddy's cologne for the name. Make sure you like it.

Stop being posers, assholes.