Revelation

As I stepped out of the house today, for some reason, a memory struck me. This memory turned into a revelation as the day went on, and as I sit here sipping on a Tangueray and tonic, it has become more and more worth writing about. It was a memory of grade school. A specific time and moment actually; The winter of grade 8. I had just quit my paper route, and The Windsor Star had paid me my credit I had built up over the past couple years of working. So I was a 13 year old with about $360 to spend. I felt like a king. I waited until boxing day to spend it, and then I went to the mall, and had a blast.

Let’s back it up a little bit here. Grade school sucked for me. No one liked me. I was a nerd. I had the glasses, the hair, the cheesy sweaters, the whole bit. Yeah, I was that kid. I was awkward, and never fit in with anything I did. I was made fun of because I wasn’t one of the ‘cool’ kids, and needless to say it hurt. I was far too young to develop an “I don’t need them” attitude, so I constantly looked for ways to fit in. I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be part of the group. Never happened. By the time grade 8 rolled around, I had become some what of an independent loner, preferring to spend time along than with the shallow, transparent people in my class…even though I still wanted acceptance from them. I much preferred my own company to theirs. Even at the age of 13 I felt that I was deeper and more intellectual than most people around me, so conversations with myself were actually more fulfilling than conversations with other people. You can call it pathetic, but I really don’t care. Even my grade 8 teacher felt it was his place to tell my parents in a report card that I spend too much time alone, and that I should try harder to participate with other kids. I guess my teacher never knew what it was like to be ridiculed by the “jocks” and I bet he never knew how it felt to have the girl you like ask you to be her boyfriend….as a dare in truth or dare. Maybe if he had felt that, he wouldn’t be so eager to participate either.

We’ll get back to that teacher in a little bit, I’m not finished with him yet. So where was I…oh yes, Christmas break. So here I am on boxing day, a wad of cash in my hand, finally looking forward to buying some of the ‘cool’ shit that was ‘in’ then…maybe now I could show them how cool I could be…I could have that Adidas coat I wanted…you know, the big puffy ‘starter jacket’ type?..maybe I could have some cool nike shoes…, the world was my fuckin oyster, and I intended to find the pearl. I found a pair of Shawn Kemp shoes on sale, and my heart leapt with joy. These shoes were “in” so I bought them in a heartbeat. I bought the generic version of CK One, called Gender 1, because it smelled identical…(this was obviously before my love of cologne, and my nose for it)…I felt like a million bucks. I couldn’t wait to go back to school and have people accept me…have people really notice me.

Finally the first day after the break arrived. I woke up, and despite a foot of snow on the ground, I strapped on my new basketball shoes, put on my cologne, and headed for the door. I was excited. I was waiting for the grand welcoming into the coveted clique of the cool kids. It didn’t happen. In fact, the most unexpected thing happened; they made fun of me more for TRYING to fit in. The shoes I bought were suddenly out of style since there was a newer version of them. I apparently bought the older version. The cologne I bought wasn’t the right kind, it was a rip off. I suddenly found myself even lower than I was originally, and I couldn’t believe it. Had I just left things alone, I would have been better off. The point I am trying to make is that the harder I tried to fit in, the less I did.

That brings me to today. Part of me gets sick to my stomach when I think about the days of grade school…I hate it. It makes me remember all the pain, fear and embarrassment I went through…and it lasts about 3 minutes before I realize that it was those experiences that made me the way I am today. If it wasn’t for those days of agony, I would never be the person I am today. And for that I am grateful. See, the person I am today doesn’t try to fit in with the cool people….because I simply don’t fucking give a shit about the cool people. I don’t give a shit about fitting in, as I am very happy just doing my own thing, blazing my own trail and carving my own path. I wish I could say the same thing about the people that made my life hell back then, but I am pretty certain that the majority of them are right where I always knew they would be: Nowhere. They are living nowhere lives in dead end jobs, and are most likely still the useless white trash they always were. Oops, do I sound bitter? Sorry about that, despite the fact that I am past 99% of that shit, it still feels nice to know that the people that once held you down are now being held down by their own actions.

Karma is a motherfucker, isn’t it.