ok...so i've been thinking about starting yet another new blog about the shit i hear while working behind the bar. I get everything from people talking about emotional problems to breakups, to downright crazy shit. Tonight, i had a very interesting little blurb from some insanely weird dude...i had to share it.
"Ok...i just had to get this out...there's this girl. i've liked her since 95...i moved here from toronto because i like her...one day...we were at her house...you'll like this...she told me...well not by words...but by a look...well not really by a look but by look....that for the size of my body, my hands are large. So she took off her pants and laid in the bed. You'll like this...her buttocks perfectly fit my hands....so i massaged it....and it was awesome...and because her pants were off in the bed, i caught a glimpse...just a quick look....i saw a lip... that's my story."
All i have to say to that is wow.
I just wanted to share this with you. Try keeping a straight face after that one.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Observations from the day
I am sitting in starbucks right now. At this very moment there is a dude in here who is talking so loud i can't even concentrate. In fact he is SO distracting, i actually had to stop doing homework just to blog about the shit he is talking about. He's like that dude that knows WAY too much about absolutely NOTHING, and shares it with the world. Here is just a taste of what he is saying: (keep in mind he is saying this at a near yelling volume)
"A month ago this would have been considered a heat wave. Now it's FREEZING!! "
"Jif peanut butter. $1.97 at Giant tiger. It's the best. They only have the smooth though. My sister in law is bringing me 2 giant containers. They're like a litre and a half and you get 2 for 6 bucks in the states. it's full of protein...FULLLL of protein"
"I'm a purist. I like jam, i like peanut butter. I like chocolate, i like peanut butter...but i never mix them. I never eat them together, and never on the same day"
"i went to pick up my brother to bring him to school. i waited for an hour, turns out he got a ride. It was bad though,because i brought him a jar of real honey, and now i have a jar of real honey in my car. I like real honey better than the other stuff, it just tastes so much better"
"I am trying to make zucchini relish, and i can never get the taste just right. There is a company in the states called Willy's, they make the best relish, but i could never get the taste right. then one day i looked up the ingredients, and i was like "Tumeric! That's the taste i am missing!!"
"I was driving down ouelette the other day, and my brother said oh wow, look what they've done to that building. I said i can't eat there. He said why not? I said because i am a purist. It used to be Berks, now it's peppers...i just can't eat somewhere that used to be a jewelery store."
"The only time i eat bananas is at the casino. They have that banana caramel crepe. It's the only time i eat bananas"
"that reminds me, i forgot to feed my fish today"
So that's basically just a bit and i was typing as fast as i could. This dude is not shutting up, and he's speaking to anyone that will listen. I just thought i should share that with everyone ;)
"A month ago this would have been considered a heat wave. Now it's FREEZING!! "
"Jif peanut butter. $1.97 at Giant tiger. It's the best. They only have the smooth though. My sister in law is bringing me 2 giant containers. They're like a litre and a half and you get 2 for 6 bucks in the states. it's full of protein...FULLLL of protein"
"I'm a purist. I like jam, i like peanut butter. I like chocolate, i like peanut butter...but i never mix them. I never eat them together, and never on the same day"
"i went to pick up my brother to bring him to school. i waited for an hour, turns out he got a ride. It was bad though,because i brought him a jar of real honey, and now i have a jar of real honey in my car. I like real honey better than the other stuff, it just tastes so much better"
"I am trying to make zucchini relish, and i can never get the taste just right. There is a company in the states called Willy's, they make the best relish, but i could never get the taste right. then one day i looked up the ingredients, and i was like "Tumeric! That's the taste i am missing!!"
"I was driving down ouelette the other day, and my brother said oh wow, look what they've done to that building. I said i can't eat there. He said why not? I said because i am a purist. It used to be Berks, now it's peppers...i just can't eat somewhere that used to be a jewelery store."
"The only time i eat bananas is at the casino. They have that banana caramel crepe. It's the only time i eat bananas"
"that reminds me, i forgot to feed my fish today"
So that's basically just a bit and i was typing as fast as i could. This dude is not shutting up, and he's speaking to anyone that will listen. I just thought i should share that with everyone ;)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
gah.
Maybe it's me. Maybe for some reason i was born with a gene or a cell or a trait in my body that makes me so annoyed with people i want to slap them. I mean seriously fucking annoyed. And it's not like they're doing anything seriously crazy or assholish, they're just being what i would consider....useless.
Case in point, last night at work some guy who thought he was a fuckin baller kept ordering "CC 12 year" which is a higher premium than regular CC whiskey. No big deal...except he was ordering them as SHOTS. maybe to the regular person this wouldn't annoy them...but to me it's like...why the FUCK would you go to the trouble of paying extra and ordering a higher calibre of whiskey, if you're just doing it as a shot!? Like, not only is that pointless, but it's a proverbial slap in the face to the whiskey makers and people that actually enjoy it as a drink. You're literally going to have it hit your tastebuds for 2.5 seconds...just get regular CC if you INSIST on shooting whiskey...fuck that pisses me off. It's even worse when they ask for a chaser of pepsi...like, let me get this straight...you are ordering a higher premium whiskey, you're shooting it...and then you can't even be man enough to shoot it on its own, you have to CHASE it!? Bottom line these people just order it so they can fulfill some sort of void in their lives and act like they have some sort of class or culture for a moment.
Or how about people that ask for a beer. Just a beer. umm, sorry this isn't a fucking network sitcom where the dive bar only has a singluar brand of beer. You can't just walk in and ask for a beer and suddenly a plaid-shirted bartender slides one down the bar without asking you for a cent. You have to say the BRAND and TYPE of beer you would like. I am going to buy a case of the worst beer on the planet just for people that ask these things, and give it to them. So when they ask "what the hell is this" i can say " a beer, asshole".
Or how about the people that act as if you just shit in their shoes when you ask them for a credit card when they want to start a tab.... it's common practice dude. your credit card is my insurance in case your cheap drunk ass walks out without paying. You expect me to TRUST you? especially since these people are usually the people whose first words are "what's your cheapest drink?"...yeah, you seem trustworthy.
Or the people who order 3 or 4 drinks, then ask how much it is...then root around in their pockets for 20 minutes looking for money. Newsflash: pull out a 20, order your round and don't ask the price. Just take your change, leave a tip and be on your way. Asshole.
or...the people that wait in line for 4 minutes at ANY restaurant or coffee place, and when they get to the counter, they look at the menu, and have NO idea what they want...WHAT?! What the fuck were you doing for the last 4 minutes?! You mean to tell me you spent that entire time day dreaming about what life would be like if you had a full brain!?
should i go on!? I could. but i won't. I will leave it at that for the day.
I feel much better to tell the truth.
out.
Case in point, last night at work some guy who thought he was a fuckin baller kept ordering "CC 12 year" which is a higher premium than regular CC whiskey. No big deal...except he was ordering them as SHOTS. maybe to the regular person this wouldn't annoy them...but to me it's like...why the FUCK would you go to the trouble of paying extra and ordering a higher calibre of whiskey, if you're just doing it as a shot!? Like, not only is that pointless, but it's a proverbial slap in the face to the whiskey makers and people that actually enjoy it as a drink. You're literally going to have it hit your tastebuds for 2.5 seconds...just get regular CC if you INSIST on shooting whiskey...fuck that pisses me off. It's even worse when they ask for a chaser of pepsi...like, let me get this straight...you are ordering a higher premium whiskey, you're shooting it...and then you can't even be man enough to shoot it on its own, you have to CHASE it!? Bottom line these people just order it so they can fulfill some sort of void in their lives and act like they have some sort of class or culture for a moment.
Or how about people that ask for a beer. Just a beer. umm, sorry this isn't a fucking network sitcom where the dive bar only has a singluar brand of beer. You can't just walk in and ask for a beer and suddenly a plaid-shirted bartender slides one down the bar without asking you for a cent. You have to say the BRAND and TYPE of beer you would like. I am going to buy a case of the worst beer on the planet just for people that ask these things, and give it to them. So when they ask "what the hell is this" i can say " a beer, asshole".
Or how about the people that act as if you just shit in their shoes when you ask them for a credit card when they want to start a tab.... it's common practice dude. your credit card is my insurance in case your cheap drunk ass walks out without paying. You expect me to TRUST you? especially since these people are usually the people whose first words are "what's your cheapest drink?"...yeah, you seem trustworthy.
Or the people who order 3 or 4 drinks, then ask how much it is...then root around in their pockets for 20 minutes looking for money. Newsflash: pull out a 20, order your round and don't ask the price. Just take your change, leave a tip and be on your way. Asshole.
or...the people that wait in line for 4 minutes at ANY restaurant or coffee place, and when they get to the counter, they look at the menu, and have NO idea what they want...WHAT?! What the fuck were you doing for the last 4 minutes?! You mean to tell me you spent that entire time day dreaming about what life would be like if you had a full brain!?
should i go on!? I could. but i won't. I will leave it at that for the day.
I feel much better to tell the truth.
out.
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