are you KIDDING me?!!

Ok. I have spent enough time in my life around music, playing music, performing music and writing music to know a horrible band when i see one, and unfortunately, hear one. Basically, bands eventually all boil down to 2 categories: Original bands, and Cover bands. For those of you who don't know the difference, here:

Original bands - Write, create and perform their own original music, and work to build a fan base and reputation, and eventually attempt to make it in the music world.

Cover bands - bands that solely perform songs that have already been made famous by other artists. These bands generally play what is known as the "bar circuit" and are largely the source of live entertainment you will find in bars on any given night.

Now, there is NOTHING wrong with being in either of the above bands. And a lot of times, you will have original bands putting a cover song into their set, which many famous bands do, and you will have cover bands putting an original song or 2 into their sets, which is how a lot of very beginner original bands start to get their music known. I personally am in both an original band, and also in a cover band, and have had great success with both. However, i am also someone that understands the VAST difference between the 2 bands...

and i do mean VAST.

See, once original bands begin to climb the ladder and gain more high profile shows and events, they begin to get known, people begin to ask for their autographs, and the whole "stardom" thing begins to happen. People begin to look at them differently, their music begins to be known, and their band name begins to become more of a household name than it used to be. Eventually, if all goes according to plan, the band eventually "makes it" and , for lack of a better term, become "rock stars". Once this occurs, they are looked at differently than before, since they are famous on a national, international and sometimes global level...

Cover bands are completely different. Once a cover band begins to gain recognition and exposure, and begins to "make it" in the local scene...well, they simply play more frequently, maybe raise their payment, and continue to play in the same city, on the bar circuit for however long they choose to continue. They begin to be well known locally, amassing a fan base, and becoming high draws for certain bars, and become somewhat in demand. Since each cover band, more or less plays the same music, with the same songs and such, they are given the task of somewhat setting themselves apart from the bunch, and giving themselves something different than other bands offer. Some bands choose to play acoustic, some full band, some with lighting rigs, some with video screens...they all have something that sets them apart.

Now, as i mentioned above, each type of band has it's strengths, and each is different. Neither is better or worse, it all comes down to personal preference, taste and talents...
But the part that i'm blogging about today, is when people cannot determine the differences between the two bands. I am speaking very specifically about...

COVER BANDS THAT THINK THEY ARE ROCKSTARS.

Ok... so you're in a cover band. Congratu-fucking-lations. You play the bar scene, get some free drinks, get a few hundred bucks in cash, and get to tell people "i'm in a band". Awesome, well done. BUT. if you can't realize, admit, or deal with the fact that you're ONLY IN A COVER BAND, then there is a problem. Here's the deal. You play other peoples' music. You are subjected to play top 40 and classic rock hits night after night, because that's what people like to dance to. As long as you can make peace with that, then more power to you. But if you are in a cover band, and think you're a fucking rock star, please end your life.

YOU'RE NOT A ROCK STAR. you're playing in a god damn bar. You're playing for $300 and some free beer. You pack your own gear. You drive your own vehicle, and guess what, it's not a tour bus. You don't have a record deal, or stylists or a publicist. you don't have a tour manager, or a manager in general. Your "groupies" are just wasted cougars who like you because you played Neil Diamond for them. They didn't even know who you were, they didn't come to see you, they just wanted some Labatt 50, and some eye candy...get it? You're in a fucking cover band.

What is it about some cover bands that make them think they're U2? they walk in all high and mighty like everyone is in awe of their presence, think they should be given anything and everything for free, act like they're gods of music, and then when they are finally done setting up their ridiculous amount of equipment, they start playing, and they FUCKING SUCK!!

Case in point, the band "THE SELLOUTS". They played last night at the Whiskey, and i have rarely wanted to assassinate myself more than while hearing them play. They were almost the stereotypical douchebag cover band...they were like posterboys for Cover bands who think they are rock stars. These guys brought roadies, (for those of you who don't know, roadies are friends of the band who come to shows to help load and unload gear, also known as crew), who sat at the bar for the majority of the night, not even watching the band perform, they brought their women, and that was it. NO one actually came in to see them. They had 2 mixing boards, which took up ridiculous amounts of room, they decided that the Bar's speaker system wasn't good enough, so they brought their own, they had dual lighting trusses, (obviously programmed for the always cliché blinking primary colours), and they were dressed to the nines in typical "middle-aged-dude-trying-to-be-cool" clothing, including the backwards hats (which always scream douche-baggery when worn while on stage...even more so if you're 40), short sleeve button downs, and cargo shorts. These guys literally SCREAMED "we're complete douchebags!". They started performing, and i swear, these guys thought they were rock stars. The singer (the term 'singer', i'm using loosely...i will get to that in a bit) began hitting on the waitress immediately, saying things like "tattoo girl, i think i love you" and "can't wait for the afterparty!" into the microphone, while the guitarist, who was wearing a tuke in 70 degree weather, took on his guitar hero stance for every solo.

They opened up with tragically hip. Not bad, but not good. The one thing GOOD i can say about these guys was that they weren't loud. They were the perfect volume, with the exception of the singer...who was WAY too loud....maybe he wasn't too loud, his volume was just more noticeable since he WAS FUCKING HORRIBLE. This guy opened his mouth, and i swear every person in the bar just kind of stopped to register what the awful noise was they were hearing. He wasn't AS bad on lower songs, but as soon as the notes went a tiny step up, his voice just hit this retarded pitch where it was almost a whiny-nasal shout rather than a note. His voice had nothing to it. It wasn't clean and pretty, it wasn't rough and raspy, he didn't have any sort of growl, he had no trademark in his voice at all, it was just very flat, yet shrill whining. AND HE THOUGHT HE WAS THE SHIT. seriously, this dude thought he was BON FUCKING JOVI....people were actually excited when they took breaks.

but the best part...the absolute BEST part about this band...was their ALL ACCESS PASSES. yes, you heard me correct. This COVER BAND creates their own ALL ACCESS PASSES when they play bar gigs. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? For those readers that are unaware what all access passes are, they are small laminated passes, usually worn on a lanyard, either around your neck or looped through your belt loops so it remains visible. These are STANDARD for CONCERTS. These basically give the holder ALL ACCESS to backstage areas, dressing rooms, interviews, etc, and are usually only worn by the bands, the crew, and whatever guests, friends, contest winners, etc have them. These are the norm in BIG CONCERTS and arenas, stadiums, halls, etc where you normally see big name, signed, touring bands. NOT at the fucking Whiskey, for a band that is a COVER band. Seriously? All Access passes? The band had theirs on, and their "crew" were wearing theirs proudly...like, All Access to what!? The staff washroom? The patio? like...there really aren't too many places that are restricted at the bar here people...let's get serious...like i'm going to be like "Umm excuse me sir, you're not allowed behind the bar to get your own beer...oh wait, you have an all access pass? Ok go right ahead.."

I would love to know the thought process that goes through their minds... "hey we need All Access passes dude...cuz then we'll look like a REAL band!!" the absolute funniest part was that on the passes, was a picture of the band with their former drummer who isn't even in the band anymore, the band name "The Sellouts" (ironic isn't it?) and then below the band name, is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ...are you ready for this:

"The greatest party rock band in recorded history is APPEARING HERE!" wait...wait...
what? The greatest party rock band in RECORDED HISTORY!? So you're telling me, since the beginning of history, all over the world, the millions and millions of bands that have existed, YOU are the BEST party rock band EVER!? and for the record, what the FUCK is a PARTY ROCK BAND? is that just a better way of saying you're a cover band? You know you hate your life when you won't even call yourself what you really are, you try to find a way of making it sound less pathetic than you really are...Kind of like how our striking city workers aren't actually garbage men, they're "waste management technicians"...it's all the same pile of shit.

The band was a complete joke, and a PERFECT example of a cover band thinking they're rock stars. These guys were SO horrible, and it almost seemed as if they really thought that they were the biggest musicians on the planet...it was hilarious, and i was almost a bit sad for them...

I am going to make an All Access pass for life. Seriously. I am going to wear it everywhere and just walk into places i don't belong and see what happens.

I'll keep you posted.

out.

PS - the Sellouts are NOT the greatest party band in recorded history. They are quite potentially the greatest douchebags in recorded history.