It's a perfect night. Just warm enough for no socks...just cold enough for the wind to carry the last whispering nothings of winter in short fleeting breezes. It's nights like this that remind me of certain times in my life; times i enjoy remembering.
on the breeze rides solitude, comfort in my own mind. wandering thoughts and meditation, tied into one pondering moment. A thunderstorm would make this night more perfect. The rain brings in memories i want to remember tonight. The rain brings peace.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
meditation
my blog here has been sparse. I rarely write in it anymore, but sometimes i feel the need to. Today is just one of those days. I feel as if suddenly my life has become completely different. I am all of a sudden thrown into this mess of chaos and emotional wreckage, where at one time, things were fine. It's all come on so fast, and it's caused me to take a step back and really take a look at things, but more importantly, a look at myself.
I took up meditation again a few months ago, and besides making a huge positive impact on my anxiety, it also caused me to bring to light things about myself...things that i maybe have always known, but never admitted.
I'm not always a good person. I have hurt people, specifically women. Not physically of course, but emotionally...and while they will recover and move on, just knowing that i hurt them leaves scars on my soul that will never fade, never heal...they will always be there as a constant reminder that i was, and can be a complete asshole. I hate it. For decades now i have run an emotional gauntlet; i will like or even love someone, things will get heated and then one day, i will wake up and my feelings have changed. It could be within a week. It could be within a few months, or even years down the road. I fucking hate it. I feel hated and despised by many people, and whether it's true or not, none of them can ever match my hate for myself in this regard.
There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about at least one person i hurt. one person i loved then left. it tears me apart. i try to be the best person i can be on a daily basis, but i will never live down what i've done. Maybe people will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish the things i felt towards someone made complete sense to me at the time...maybe i wouldn't have left such a path of destruction in my wake.
i envy people that know how to be truly deeply happy.
I took up meditation again a few months ago, and besides making a huge positive impact on my anxiety, it also caused me to bring to light things about myself...things that i maybe have always known, but never admitted.
I'm not always a good person. I have hurt people, specifically women. Not physically of course, but emotionally...and while they will recover and move on, just knowing that i hurt them leaves scars on my soul that will never fade, never heal...they will always be there as a constant reminder that i was, and can be a complete asshole. I hate it. For decades now i have run an emotional gauntlet; i will like or even love someone, things will get heated and then one day, i will wake up and my feelings have changed. It could be within a week. It could be within a few months, or even years down the road. I fucking hate it. I feel hated and despised by many people, and whether it's true or not, none of them can ever match my hate for myself in this regard.
There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about at least one person i hurt. one person i loved then left. it tears me apart. i try to be the best person i can be on a daily basis, but i will never live down what i've done. Maybe people will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish the things i felt towards someone made complete sense to me at the time...maybe i wouldn't have left such a path of destruction in my wake.
i envy people that know how to be truly deeply happy.
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