It's 54 degrees outside today, and I haven't felt this good in a very VERY long time. The air smells like spring, the wind is just cool enough to need a jacket or a sweater, and i can roll my window down and not freeze. Yes, it's a good day. I put The Arkells on the stereo today, and just drove. Feels so good.
As i was driving today, i noticed i could see the grass for the first time in months...and as i made this discovery, I watched a yellow and black empty salt bag glide across the street, dancing in the wind on its way to wherever it will lay to rest. I felt that it was a symbol...its weight of salt has been exhausted and it no longer has use, as the snow rapidly recedes from the streets and lawns. It's as if it was saying goodbye, waving to us until next year.
I know i am being optimistic. I know winter isn't over, and i know we will get hit with another storm before we can say hello to spring, but it's so worth it to soak this up while it's here.
So i sit here, sipping on my Chai Latte, and slowly feeling the stress peel away, layer by layer. My friend sean gave me a spare iPod which has been my life saver. Nothing, in my opinion, makes a day better than the perfect mix of weather, music, and a solid fragrance. When the weather hits you just right, and you have the just right music to go with it, it's a feeling i can't describe. It's a good day today.
I also finally have my computer back, and fixed better than ever! This is also a huge mood booster. I no longer feel lost. It sounds stupid but having my computer with me is a huge part of my life.
just can't wait to hit the open road today, and get up on stage. It's been too long.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
and there's no way of knowing, no way to know know how long it will last...
Walking to class today, I couldn't help but feel that things were lifting; getting better. The cold streak broke and for the first time in recent memory we weren't battling negative temperatures. The air smelled of spring, which translated to my mood, and lifted everything. It was still cold, but it was a different kind of cold. A cold that made me feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel. Like everything was lifting, and there was an end in sight for this rut i've been wading in. That feeling was indescribably amazing.
I've been going through a lot lately. I have a mountain of personal family issues I am sifting through, on top of mountains of debt and financial stress. I've lost weight partially from working out, but partially from just not being able to eat do to stress and worry. When i am alone, i lock myself in my room, and retreat to the silence of the night, and the escaping sounds of scratches and dust on an old ella record. I stay up later than i need to just so i can be sure i fall asleep, and i sleep in later than i want to, because somewhere deep down inside me, it hurts to face the day.
My school work has suffered, as has my own personal energy. I have not been me. I have a pile of laundry that just keeps getting taller, like a monument reminding me of what i need to be doing, but just can't. I've grown a beard because i can't be bothered to shave it off. I have not been me in a very long time. Any smile i show is a mask. It's easier to smile than to explain to people why i am not in a good mood like i always am, and watch as their eyes glaze over and they reply with the standard response because they simply don't give a shit. So a smile it is, and i continue along my day.
But today, that all changed. I felt hope. I felt optimistic. For the first time in a very long time, i felt lighter. I felt like the old me. There was bounce in my step, and confidence in my walk. I was beginning to be me again. That lasted all of a moment, until the old me was shoved back into its hiding place to hibernate a little while longer. I suppose i should have seen it coming. After all, it has been quite some time since i have felt this familiar sting in my gut; the sting of the inevitable; the sting of shit talk.
it seems so long ago, when i first felt this sting, back when i was 15 and people decided that my business, my life, my relationships, my sexual activities, and my reputation was ultimately their business. I am not sure when this memo was sent out, or why i was not notified, but all i know is that it's been non stop for almost 13 years now. Apparently my life is public domain and is freely spoken about amongst any number of anonymous speakers. I say anonymous, because to this day, I am aware of only a minute sample of these people, because everyone prefers to hide behind anonymity rather than face the one they are so adamant about bashing.
I suppose i have myself to blame though. After all, I have made mistakes in my past. I have hurt people, i have done underhanded things, and i have used people for my benefit. I am not the first, nor will i be the last man to ever do this, but for some reason, no matter how much time has passed, this is what people see. They don't see the side of me i want them to. They don't see the genuine caring person. They prefer to see the person that committed those wrongs so many years ago. So i guess it's my fault for being human. I have built quite a strong defense to this for the most part. But today, those defenses were breached, and I am crushed.
So i sit here. Surrounded by the faces i have seen 5 days a week for 3 years, attempting to drown out their voices with 1940s big band music....attempting to raise my spirit, but at this point my spirit is beyond saving. I'm bruised, broken and bleeding from the inside out. Being strong is something i am proud of, but i can't be strong all the time. Today i give in, and let it win. I can't fight it anymore, i'm so tired. I have worked so hard to become someone that I, and others can be proud of, and look up to...but i can't be that person when my past is painted on my chest. You win. Do you hear me? You win.
The hooded, masked, shadowy ghostly figures who have no names, no faces, just voices have won. You've broken an already broken man. One day i can only hope you yourselves can stop living in the past and move on with your own lives, instead of focusing on mine. You've highlighted my mistakes in stunning fashion, and i will not soon forget them, as much as i would like to. Thank you for that. I feel like a puppy who is having his nose rubbed into his urine on the carpet, and it's completely embarrassing, deconstructive and painful. So thank you. Thank you for breaking me.
I could sit here and write an apology to the people i have hurt, but it would do no good. No amount of apologies seem to work. Nothing works. it's as if the only off switch resides in the past, and i simply cannot get to it. Do i wish i never made the mistakes i did? absolutely. But i'm human. As are you, whoever you are. But i guess you're perfect.
it was so nice today to feel whole again. To feel that stress and that depression and that anxiety lift off my shoulders. For the first time i could breathe again. I could hold my head high and know that everything was ok. It's a shame it was fleeting. But at least i was reminded that i could still feel it.
I've been going through a lot lately. I have a mountain of personal family issues I am sifting through, on top of mountains of debt and financial stress. I've lost weight partially from working out, but partially from just not being able to eat do to stress and worry. When i am alone, i lock myself in my room, and retreat to the silence of the night, and the escaping sounds of scratches and dust on an old ella record. I stay up later than i need to just so i can be sure i fall asleep, and i sleep in later than i want to, because somewhere deep down inside me, it hurts to face the day.
My school work has suffered, as has my own personal energy. I have not been me. I have a pile of laundry that just keeps getting taller, like a monument reminding me of what i need to be doing, but just can't. I've grown a beard because i can't be bothered to shave it off. I have not been me in a very long time. Any smile i show is a mask. It's easier to smile than to explain to people why i am not in a good mood like i always am, and watch as their eyes glaze over and they reply with the standard response because they simply don't give a shit. So a smile it is, and i continue along my day.
But today, that all changed. I felt hope. I felt optimistic. For the first time in a very long time, i felt lighter. I felt like the old me. There was bounce in my step, and confidence in my walk. I was beginning to be me again. That lasted all of a moment, until the old me was shoved back into its hiding place to hibernate a little while longer. I suppose i should have seen it coming. After all, it has been quite some time since i have felt this familiar sting in my gut; the sting of the inevitable; the sting of shit talk.
it seems so long ago, when i first felt this sting, back when i was 15 and people decided that my business, my life, my relationships, my sexual activities, and my reputation was ultimately their business. I am not sure when this memo was sent out, or why i was not notified, but all i know is that it's been non stop for almost 13 years now. Apparently my life is public domain and is freely spoken about amongst any number of anonymous speakers. I say anonymous, because to this day, I am aware of only a minute sample of these people, because everyone prefers to hide behind anonymity rather than face the one they are so adamant about bashing.
I suppose i have myself to blame though. After all, I have made mistakes in my past. I have hurt people, i have done underhanded things, and i have used people for my benefit. I am not the first, nor will i be the last man to ever do this, but for some reason, no matter how much time has passed, this is what people see. They don't see the side of me i want them to. They don't see the genuine caring person. They prefer to see the person that committed those wrongs so many years ago. So i guess it's my fault for being human. I have built quite a strong defense to this for the most part. But today, those defenses were breached, and I am crushed.
So i sit here. Surrounded by the faces i have seen 5 days a week for 3 years, attempting to drown out their voices with 1940s big band music....attempting to raise my spirit, but at this point my spirit is beyond saving. I'm bruised, broken and bleeding from the inside out. Being strong is something i am proud of, but i can't be strong all the time. Today i give in, and let it win. I can't fight it anymore, i'm so tired. I have worked so hard to become someone that I, and others can be proud of, and look up to...but i can't be that person when my past is painted on my chest. You win. Do you hear me? You win.
The hooded, masked, shadowy ghostly figures who have no names, no faces, just voices have won. You've broken an already broken man. One day i can only hope you yourselves can stop living in the past and move on with your own lives, instead of focusing on mine. You've highlighted my mistakes in stunning fashion, and i will not soon forget them, as much as i would like to. Thank you for that. I feel like a puppy who is having his nose rubbed into his urine on the carpet, and it's completely embarrassing, deconstructive and painful. So thank you. Thank you for breaking me.
I could sit here and write an apology to the people i have hurt, but it would do no good. No amount of apologies seem to work. Nothing works. it's as if the only off switch resides in the past, and i simply cannot get to it. Do i wish i never made the mistakes i did? absolutely. But i'm human. As are you, whoever you are. But i guess you're perfect.
it was so nice today to feel whole again. To feel that stress and that depression and that anxiety lift off my shoulders. For the first time i could breathe again. I could hold my head high and know that everything was ok. It's a shame it was fleeting. But at least i was reminded that i could still feel it.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
welcome home
Well...it's been a very VERY long time since my last blog here. I suppose i got busy with life...or overwhelmed, depending on how you look at it. Or maybe i just had nothing to write about. Who knows. I found myself completely flooded with new projects, and new ways to release my creativity. But yesterday i was asked to begin blogging again, on a personal level. So here I am.
I find myself enjoying my alone time much more than normal. Not for any specific reason, other than I love to just be alone with my thoughts. I spend my nights alone, listening to records or whatever new music i can get my hands on, but find myself not wanting to listen to anything that's loud and distracting. Sure i love mainstream rock, but in my personal space, I want something with feeling and emotion and take me somewhere i've never been. I love listening to Nick Drake on vinyl. A lot of people don't get it, or get him. That's because they're blind and deaf. his voice literally floats...the music is on the record, but his voice hovers just a few inches above the vinyl, hanging in the air like a ghost....like he's sitting right next to you, in that orange armchair he loved, strumming to himself, and you're along for the ride. I could sit for hours just listening. Over, and over again.
I find myself in the same rut I get into every winter...where my mind overflows with a million and one ideas, then i get depressed because it feels like i am standing still. It's a vicious cycle, but one that i eventually surface from. It's all so hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with the winter. It's just so god damn depressing. I like cold weather, but inhumanly cold weather is just fucking unnecessary. I feel like I am completely detached and unfocused and unorganized. I hate it.
It feels as if the world has shit on me, all at once. Like a million little mishaps all happened at the same time, and i have fallen from the top of the world, to the very depths of the world. I know this is something i will rebound from, but the process of rebounding is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence the alone time to re-connect with myself.
like chasing a ghost.
I find myself enjoying my alone time much more than normal. Not for any specific reason, other than I love to just be alone with my thoughts. I spend my nights alone, listening to records or whatever new music i can get my hands on, but find myself not wanting to listen to anything that's loud and distracting. Sure i love mainstream rock, but in my personal space, I want something with feeling and emotion and take me somewhere i've never been. I love listening to Nick Drake on vinyl. A lot of people don't get it, or get him. That's because they're blind and deaf. his voice literally floats...the music is on the record, but his voice hovers just a few inches above the vinyl, hanging in the air like a ghost....like he's sitting right next to you, in that orange armchair he loved, strumming to himself, and you're along for the ride. I could sit for hours just listening. Over, and over again.
I find myself in the same rut I get into every winter...where my mind overflows with a million and one ideas, then i get depressed because it feels like i am standing still. It's a vicious cycle, but one that i eventually surface from. It's all so hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with the winter. It's just so god damn depressing. I like cold weather, but inhumanly cold weather is just fucking unnecessary. I feel like I am completely detached and unfocused and unorganized. I hate it.
It feels as if the world has shit on me, all at once. Like a million little mishaps all happened at the same time, and i have fallen from the top of the world, to the very depths of the world. I know this is something i will rebound from, but the process of rebounding is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence the alone time to re-connect with myself.
like chasing a ghost.
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