no one owes you anything.

Ok. so, after a week or so of stress, i have decided to write this blog. Why today? because something happened last night that was the final straw...which sparked the question: Why do old people think the world owes them something? This is a serious question. Is it because they have reached a certain age and think that since they have put in their time in the world, they can just expect people to kiss their ass? Seriously, what is it? is there a magical age that makes you allowed to just be a pretentious whiny bitch? Please, someone answer me.

how do i come to this question? One day last week, i served a table. this table consisted of 2 people in their 60s or so and an older woman who looked to be in her 80s. When i got to the table, the 2 people were too busy on their cell phones to give a coherent or even respectful order. When the man was on the phone, he asked for "2 orders of the vegetable spring rolls". He then contined with his phone conversation and his wife ordered the rest of the meal. She asked for her food, and when it came to his food, she ordered for him, since he was still too busy being a disrespectful asshole to even order his own food. She ordered a filet mignon for him, well done, and "no juice". Punched the orders in, and ready to go. Upon bringing their spring rolls, they took one look and said "umm, these are not vegetarian"...they asked what the ingredients were, and when i told them there was shrimp in one of the rolls, they lost their shit and said "we specifically ordered VEGETARIAN spring rolls". now, being their server, i had to do what i needed to do in order to stay calm and professional...but in my head i was thinking the following:

"No, you self centered arrogant disrespectful fuck, you did NOT specify vegitarian, you just asked for 2 orders of spring rolls. The menu CLEARLY FUCKING STATES there is shrimp in one of them, so how the FUCK was i supposed to read your mind? Maybe if you could have stopped yapping into your fucking cell phone for 10 fucking seconds, you could have clarified. But no. now i look like a fucking idiot. "

ok. breathe. Order is fixed, getting ready for the main course. now at this point, everyone in the place had ordered the filet mignon, so it's taking forever for their meal to come up. Finally, after several check ins with them, their food comes up, and  is brought to their table. I wait a few minutes and then go and check on them. Well needless to say they are not pleased. Apparently now i am the chef as well as a server, and they needed to blame me for his well done filet not being well done enough. And then his wife decides to make me feel like an idiot and say "I asked specifically for no sauce, but there is sauce here. it's fine, we'll eat it, but we asked for none. "

again, i had to stay calm, but my teeth were clenched and i wanted to scream "NO, you did NOT ask for no sauce, you said no JUICE. Sauce and juice are different. If you tell someone you want a filet made well done with no juice, it tells someone that you want it burnt to shit, with no drippings. How the FUCK am i supposed to know you mean sauce if you say juice? Am i a fucking mind reader? How about you fucking TELL me what you mean instead of just expecting me to wipe your ass?"

it's at this point that it finally clicks to me that after the whole ordeal with the spring rolls, these people aren't even vegetarians! So what the FUCK was with the issue? What, you can't eat non veggie friendly spring rolls, but you can choke down a whole giant slab of cow? How the fuck does that make sense? These people were pretentious, arrogant, disrespectful and downright rude, and after they paid, i was thankful they were gone, and i could start fresh. but no. that wasn't the case.

my next shift, i get pulled aside and talked to. Apparently these people decided to write a letter to the restaurant, making a formal complaint about the service, and about me. I was talked to by my manager, and the owner, and told i need to study my menu, and if i can't learn it, i will be taken off shifts until i know it....now wait a second, how did these people not being specific manage to translate into me not knowing the menu? What the fuck?

and then i realize that these people need to fucking die. and to be honest, i hope they do. I hope they die soon. Why? because i am beyond pissed. i NEED this job. i NEED the money. I NEED to do well. was your meal THAT bad that you HAD to write a letter? Did the food hurt you? are you not going to be able to pay your bills because you got sauce under your filet? Are credit companies going to bust down your door because there was shrimp in your spring roll? No. Was the service shit? sure. I will take the blame. I will let you walk all over me. I will have the owners thinking i am useless. But you write that letter and effect MY life much more than that meal affected yours. you had ONE bad meal. I now have to walk into wok every day and feel like there is a target on my back. Because of YOUR letter. Because YOU needed to feel superior, and because YOU felt the world owed you something.

guess what you fucking insignificant cunts? the world doesn't owe you something, and I most certainly don't owe you SHIT. Maybe if you treated the people around you with some fucking respect, things would change for you. You are nobodies, and deserve to be shit on. I hope you are happy you pieces of fucking shit.

on a note about last night's event: Mick. Yes. you are a regular. Yes you come in and have 2 beers and MAYBE some food. Your beers are discounted, and you always keep your beer in a fucking stupid asshole beer cozy, you bring from home. You sit there and expect me to fucking kiss your ass while you leave me no more than a $1.25 tip every single time. I cater to you every time, and last night while you were sitting there nursing your beer as usual, i was talking to 2 other customers who were, imagine this, SPENDING MONEY. You asked for a menu, and as you do every single day, you stared at it. Every single time, you hold on to it for 25 minutes and keep saying you don't want food yet. So i figured this time was no different. Your beer cozy hides the bottom half of your beer so i can't see when you want another one. So fucking EXCUSE ME if i was too busy serving customers who were spending more than $7, in order to wipe your old fucking ass. You bitched that you didn't want food anymore because i didn't get to you in time. Is your fucking voice broken? could you not just say you are ready to order? why the FUCK should i have to fucking suck your dick? So then my boss gets pissed at me....so i buy you your second beer, and take it off your tab. Did i HAVE to do that?  no. but i did it anyways.

the question is asshole, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? first of all you look like a giant douchebag bringing your own beer cozy to the bar. Second of all, why the FUCK would i cater to you, knowing you never spend more than $7, when i could be spending time on other customers? Are you some sort of VIP i didn't know about? is there a reason you think the world should owe you something? What the FUCK do i owe you? Nothing. You leave me SHIT for tips and you're SHIT conversation, and you have a stupid fucking SHIT hat. So FUCK you.

FUCK YOU.

on the breeze.

It's a perfect night. Just warm enough for no socks...just cold enough for the wind to carry the last whispering nothings of winter in short fleeting breezes. It's nights like this that remind me of certain times in  my life; times i enjoy remembering.

on the breeze rides solitude, comfort in my own mind. wandering thoughts and meditation, tied into one pondering moment. A thunderstorm would make this night more perfect. The rain brings in memories i want to remember tonight. The rain brings peace.

meditation

my blog here has been sparse. I rarely write in it anymore, but sometimes i feel the need to. Today is just one of those days. I feel as if suddenly my life has become completely different. I am all of a sudden thrown into this mess of chaos and emotional wreckage, where at one time, things were fine. It's all come on so fast, and it's caused me to take a step back and really take a look at things, but more importantly, a look at myself.

I took up meditation again a few months ago, and besides making a huge positive impact on my anxiety, it also caused me to bring to light things about myself...things that i maybe have always known, but never admitted.

I'm not always a good person. I have hurt people, specifically women. Not physically of course, but emotionally...and while they will recover and move on, just knowing that i hurt them leaves scars on my soul that will never fade, never heal...they will always be there as a constant reminder that i was, and can be a complete asshole. I hate it. For decades now i have run an emotional gauntlet; i will like or even love someone, things will get heated and then one day, i will wake up and my feelings have changed. It could be within a week. It could be within a few months, or even years down the road. I fucking hate it. I feel hated and despised by many people, and whether it's true or not, none of them can ever match my hate for myself in this regard.

There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about at least one person i hurt. one person i loved then left. it tears me apart. i try to be the best person i can be on a daily basis, but i will never live down what i've done. Maybe people will forgive me, but i will never forgive myself. I wish i knew then what i know now. I wish the things i felt towards someone made complete sense to me at the time...maybe i wouldn't have left such a path of destruction in my wake.

i envy people that know how to be truly deeply happy.

Hello 54

It's 54 degrees outside today, and I haven't felt this good in a very VERY long time. The air smells like spring, the wind is just cool enough to need a jacket or a sweater, and i can roll my window down and not freeze. Yes, it's a good day. I put The Arkells on the stereo today, and just drove. Feels so good.

As i was driving today, i noticed i could see the grass for the first time in months...and as i made this discovery, I watched a yellow and black empty salt bag glide across the street, dancing in the wind on its way to wherever it will lay to rest. I felt that it was a symbol...its weight of salt has been exhausted and it no longer has use, as the snow rapidly recedes from the streets and lawns. It's as if it was saying goodbye, waving to us until next year.

I know i am being optimistic. I know winter isn't over, and i know we will get hit with another storm before we can say hello to spring, but it's so worth it to soak this up while it's here.

So i sit here, sipping on my Chai Latte, and slowly feeling the stress peel away, layer by layer. My friend sean gave me a spare iPod which has been my life saver. Nothing, in my opinion, makes a day better than the perfect mix of weather, music, and a solid fragrance. When the weather hits you just right, and you have the just right music to go with it, it's a feeling i can't describe. It's a good day today.

I also finally have my computer back, and fixed better than ever! This is also a huge mood booster. I no longer feel lost. It sounds stupid but having my computer with me is a huge part of my life.

just can't wait to hit the open road today, and get up on stage. It's been too long.

and there's no way of knowing, no way to know know how long it will last...

Walking to class today, I couldn't help but feel that things were lifting; getting better. The cold streak broke and for the first time in recent memory we weren't battling negative temperatures. The air smelled of spring,  which translated to my mood, and lifted everything. It was still cold, but it was a different kind of cold. A cold that made me feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel. Like everything was lifting, and there was an end in sight for this rut i've been wading in. That feeling was indescribably amazing.

I've been going through a lot lately. I have a mountain of personal family issues I am sifting through, on top of mountains of debt and financial stress. I've lost weight partially from working out, but partially from just not being able to eat do to stress and worry. When i am alone, i lock myself in my room, and retreat to the silence of the night, and the escaping sounds of scratches and dust on an old ella record. I stay up later than i need to just so i can be sure i fall asleep, and i sleep in later than i want to, because somewhere deep down inside me, it hurts to face the day.

My school work has suffered, as has my own personal energy. I have not been me. I have a pile of laundry that just keeps getting taller, like a monument reminding me of what i need to be doing, but just can't. I've grown a beard because i can't be bothered to shave it off. I have not been me in a very long time. Any smile i show is a mask. It's easier to smile than to explain to people why i am not in a good mood like i always am, and watch as their eyes glaze over and they reply with  the standard response because they simply don't give a shit. So a smile it is, and i continue along my day.

But today, that all changed. I felt hope. I felt optimistic. For the first time in a very long time, i felt lighter. I felt like the old me. There was bounce in my step, and confidence in my walk. I was beginning to be me again. That lasted all of a moment, until the old me was shoved back into its hiding place to hibernate a little while longer. I suppose i should have seen it coming. After all, it has been quite some time since i have felt this familiar sting in my gut; the sting of the inevitable; the sting of shit talk.

it seems so long ago, when i first felt this sting, back when i was 15 and people decided that my business, my life, my relationships, my sexual activities, and my reputation was ultimately their business. I am not sure when this memo was sent out, or why i was not notified, but all i know is that it's been non stop for almost 13 years now. Apparently my life is public domain and is freely spoken about amongst any number of anonymous speakers. I say anonymous, because to this day, I am aware of only a minute sample of these people, because everyone prefers to hide behind anonymity rather than face the one they are so adamant about bashing.

I suppose i have myself to blame though. After all, I have made mistakes in my past. I have hurt people, i have done underhanded things, and i have used people for my benefit. I am not the first, nor will i be the last man to ever do this, but for some reason, no matter how much time has passed, this is what people see. They don't see the side of me i want them to. They don't see the genuine caring person. They prefer to see the person that committed those wrongs so many years ago. So i guess it's my fault for being human. I have built quite a strong defense to this for the most part. But today, those defenses were breached, and I am crushed.

So i sit here. Surrounded by the faces i have seen 5 days a week for 3 years, attempting to drown out their voices with 1940s big band music....attempting to raise my spirit, but at this point my spirit is beyond saving. I'm bruised, broken and bleeding from the inside out. Being strong is something i am proud of, but i can't be strong all the time. Today i give in, and let it win. I can't fight it anymore, i'm so tired. I have worked so hard to become someone that I, and others can be proud of, and look up to...but i can't be that person when my past is painted on my chest. You win. Do you hear me? You win.

The hooded, masked, shadowy ghostly figures who have no names, no faces, just voices have won. You've broken an already broken man. One day i can only hope you yourselves can stop living in the past and move on with your own lives, instead of focusing on mine. You've highlighted my mistakes in stunning fashion, and i will not soon forget them, as much as i would like to. Thank you for that. I feel like a puppy who is having his nose rubbed into his urine on the carpet, and it's completely embarrassing, deconstructive and painful. So thank you. Thank you for breaking me.

I could sit here and write an apology to the people i have hurt, but it would do no good. No amount of apologies seem to work. Nothing works. it's as if the only off switch resides in the past, and i simply cannot get to it. Do i wish i never made the mistakes i did? absolutely. But i'm human. As are you, whoever you are. But i guess you're perfect.

it was so nice today to feel whole again. To feel that stress and that depression and that anxiety lift off my shoulders. For the first time i could breathe again. I could hold my head high and know that everything was ok. It's a shame it was fleeting. But at least i was reminded that i could still feel it.

welcome home

Well...it's been a very VERY long time since my last blog here. I suppose i got busy with life...or overwhelmed, depending on how you look at it. Or maybe i just had nothing to write about. Who knows. I found myself completely flooded with new projects, and new ways to release my creativity. But yesterday i was asked to begin blogging again, on a personal level. So here I am.


I find myself enjoying my alone time much more than normal. Not for any specific reason, other than I love to just be alone with my thoughts. I spend my nights alone, listening to records or whatever new music i can get my hands on, but find myself not wanting to listen to anything that's loud and distracting. Sure i love mainstream rock, but in my personal space, I want something with feeling and emotion and take me somewhere i've never been. I love listening to Nick Drake on vinyl. A lot of people don't get it, or get him. That's because they're blind and deaf. his voice literally floats...the music is on the record, but his voice hovers just a few inches above the vinyl, hanging in the air like a ghost....like he's sitting right next to you, in that orange armchair he loved, strumming to himself, and you're along for the ride. I could sit for hours just listening. Over, and over again.


I find myself in the same rut I get into every winter...where my mind overflows with a million and one ideas, then i get depressed because it feels like i am standing still. It's a vicious cycle, but one that i eventually surface from. It's all so hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with the winter. It's just so god damn depressing. I like cold weather, but inhumanly cold weather is just fucking unnecessary. I feel like I am completely detached and unfocused and unorganized. I hate it.


It feels as if the world has shit on me, all at once. Like a million little mishaps all happened at the same time, and i have fallen from the top of the world, to the very depths of the world. I know this is something i will rebound from, but the process of rebounding is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Hence the alone time to re-connect with myself.


like chasing a ghost.

some days just click

After 3 days of unrelenting heat....the skies opened up and rained down cooling relief. The steam is rising off the street as if releasing the demons its held in for so long. I watch this drama unfold through a floor to ceiling double paned window, as if i am a spectator for some nature peep show, watching the clouds slowly reveal their innermost secrets.

and suddenly everything feels right...a serene calm comes over me as the heat slowly fades away. Each drop brings a soothing quiet that one can only feel and not hear. Everything makes sense....and everything just clicks again.